My lovely friend, Camille, came to visit me yesterday. We chatted and laughed. At one point she said, “I didn’t know what to expect when I got here.” Meaning, she didn’t know what state I’d be in.
I don’t think any one knows what to expect when they show up or call. My mom has sent me text saying, “I know you’re scared shitless right now.” Only I’m not.
When Camille said she didn’t know what to expect I said I’m not sure what to expect either. I said I don’t know if I’m truly in hardcore denial or if the anti-anxiety meds are a contributing factor. Then her baby spit up on the carpet and I didn’t care. “Wow! Those meds really are working!”
I had my moments a few weeks go of being terrified. I had a major breakdown one night. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. Derek held me and told me he was scared too. He said that we’d get through this together. Since then I haven’t thought of it.
For the past two weeks I’ve been consumed by getting ready for a six week leave from work. I have a house to ready and the last little bit of gardening that I may be able to do for a very long time. I’ve quietly selected clothes to wear that I may never wear again. I count the moments as in, this is the last time I will do this. Silly things like, I won’t ever shave my armpit the same way again. I keep these moments to myself.
I’ve had parts removed before. I currently lack a uterus and the accompanying bits that go along with that. However, I had a choice in that surgery. This time I don’t. I can keep my breasts and die or I can have them removed and live. What would you choose?
I try so hard to wrap my head around what is happening to me and I just can’t. I think the gravity of the situation simply hasn’t hit me yet. Either that or I’ve compartmentalized the cancer part of my life and hidden it behind a huge vault of a door. However, I have to open that door tomorrow and face the reality of what lies ahead.
Time is not going to stop for me. It is going to keep ticking by until I’m forced to get into the car and drive to the hospital. I’m going to put on the gown, stare up at the bright lights and wake up a different person. Then I’m going to go on, fight like hell and keep a promise I made to a 12 year old.
I’m not done yet.