Verge of tears

For the past two weeks I have been right on the verge of tears.? For no particular reason really.? No major life traumas (well unless you count that I turn 32 in 3 days thing).? It isn’t a “hormonal” time for me.? My craptastic day was Tuesday before last.? That one where I wanted to kill everything that moved.

This is something else.? Maybe it’s the culmination of life smacking me square in the jaw.? Husband always out of town, child missing his father and taking it out on me, Little electing to not call (thanks for the advice on calling the hospital, but that isn’t how this situation works*), brother in trouble, in need of a vacation, and all the other life responsibilities that I don’t want to deal with but have no choice.? Like turning 32 in 3 days.

I was watching When We Left The Earth earlier and started crying.? The first time astronauts orbited the moon they took video of the Earth rising.? And as they transmitted the film back to Earth they read from the first chapter of Genesis.? The creation story.? (Which I fully believe is simply a story and I am soooo not in the mood to debate creationism with you.)? But it made me cry.? Because the Earth was good.? And we’re destroying it.? (Nor would I like to go on a tirade about any inconvenient truths or how we should all be saving our plastic bags for the end of civilization)

See stupid shit like that makes me cry.? It’s driving me nuts.? (Please also don’t give me crap about hormonal.? It’s not that)

I just want it to be less hard.? I don’t want things to be easy.? (Ok, maybe some things)? I just am tired of working so fricken hard for everything and getting no where.

Maybe the tea (that I don’t drink often enough) isn’t working anymore.? Maybe I just need a nice relaxing vacation (that I can’t afford) to some place that isn’t going to rain.? Or maybe I just need to crawl into bed and cry like a baby until my face is swollen.? (and please don’t tell me I need therapy or those god forsaken drugs.? What I need is that vacation)


*Little frequently elects to cut us out of her life.? It is my deduction that this is the case this time.? She’ll call when she needs something.

**and Mother, please don’t call to ask me how I’m feeling.? Shitty.? There’s your answer.? Shitty and I don’t want to talk about it.

24 Comment

  1. mom says: Reply

    Well then, I won’t call. I am however thinking of you, promising happiness and smiles will return. Everyone gets bummed and that cry you spoke of isn’t such a bad thing. Pent up frustrations can vent thru tears so let um flow. Put in a sappy movie and have a girlfriend night, whatever… but this too shall pass. Big ole bear hug to you!

  2. Carrie says: Reply

    I’m sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I’ve definitely been there and know how much it sucks! Hey, we are all heading down to Oregon at the end of July for 2.5 weeks. You wanna come up here and house sit? It’s gorgeous here with lots to see but I can’t promise no rain… 🙂 Our house is even fit for small kids!

    If not then maybe we can get together on our trip. We will be spending a few days south of Olympia at the indoor water park… Wolf Lodge or something like that.


  3. Lena says: Reply

    An internetload full of hugs to you.

    And then the whole birthday thing, I understand … I kicked and screamed about turning 30 and was still kicking and screaming a year later, still very much pissed about having to turn 30, and I’ve added another year to that since then.

    You know where to find me if you need to come and hide, I really don’t have any plans for Friday.

  4. Tricia says: Reply

    yes i know the feeling. see ya soon girlfriend.

  5. Sounds like a good cry, some vodka and some chocolate are needed. Thinking of you Elle!

  6. You know what? Sometimes we just need to feel bummed and shitty from time to time. When things get to be too much, being on the verge of tears can kind of help. Vent away and let those tears fall. Call if you need an ear.

  7. Lauri says: Reply


    I feel ya.. I get it.. I do!

    I get the wanting things just to be easier

    Hoping this is just a funk that lifts soon, in the meantime cry and vent away.. it’s your blog


  8. DebiP says: Reply

    what you need is some old babushka hugs…those Russian ladies know what a hug is…Elle you and the boy are invited to the Midwest any ‘ole time you want. (you can bring D if you want or come alone) I have more then enough space for you and we can see all that Chicago has to offer and then some…I know exactly what you speak to..I know exactly how you will get better and you will see the sun again…speaking of which I can not assure you of sun every day here in Illinois but if you com in July or August you will be hotter then hell and in full raging sun!! Babushka hugs to you friend

  9. kate says: Reply

    St. John’s Wort. Seriously. I keep telling you… ;>

    It helps me.

  10. Happy birthday. I mean. I guess not. Well. It all sucks, but we love you and

    what is better than a bunch of Internet love?

  11. Wendy says: Reply

    Every once in a while I get a big ol’ case of the ‘Why is life all about have-to’s’. We have so many responsibilities that nothing is fun. This is the life I wanted, so why am I not enjoying the hell out of it? Ughhh! You can’t even have a wonderful, pull the covers over your head for a day experience because there is that little person who needs things like food.

    Want to spend 4 days in Guatemala with me????

  12. mom says: Reply

    Little, still hasn’t had the baby yet. Just so ya know.

  13. Okay, gotta delurk to send some bloggy love. I’m a cryer…always have been. In fact my kids even ask, “Is it a happy cry or sad cry?” I always clarify that it isn’t about them and that everyone cries and that its healthy. So let it flow….Also it doesn’t help that Seattle/Tacoma isn’t having a summer this year.


  14. Lauren says: Reply

    Sometimes you just gotta cry so I say let it all out. Hopefully it will really help.

    Happy Birthday in a couple days even though you don’t want it. The birthday I mean. anyway…

  15. Your burnt out. Your partner to get through the burnt out isn’t around as much and there is no buffer with the boy. I get it. Days before Conor is away I freak out and get angry and then I shuffle through life, trying to survive and then he is back. But you need a vaca, time away from home. You need something for you…a little something. (god I do as well).(meet me in chicago in sept?)

    anyway, hang in there. eat a chocolate bar, drink some nice red and maybe spend a little quality time in bed…we all need that as well.

  16. Heather says: Reply

    perhaps we need another spa day (now that I can see my feet they are in desparate need of TLC)… or a day filled with sappy movies and no kids. I have been crying all the time too….(but mine hopefully is related to the post-pardom thing)

  17. Jenny2 says: Reply

    maybe you should come hit heavy bags with me sometime.. I’m telling you, it helps.

    In the meantime, just know you’re not alone and that I admire the old soul in you that crys for the planet and yourself.

    Enjoy the Solstice.

  18. Here’s something to look forward to about being 32: SEX DRIVE!!! I hit 32, and within 6 months my hormones thought I was sixteen again. OK, 16 but with sex!

    I hope you’re feeling better soon; it’s hard to be positive with all the negative around. Remember what I said in HS? I still say it: SMILE! If you work on smiling at yourself (especially in the mirror), and just holding a smile on your face, you will eventually feel better. Happy birthday! I know you’ll have a fantastic day!!

  19. Jenni says: Reply

    I feel you about needing a vacation. Sometimes you just need to get away from the things in your life and take a break. I hope you get one soon. In the meantime, Michelle’s prescription of vodka and chocolate sounds good.

  20. You don’t want to hear this but you need to. You are depressed and have been for a long long time. You need to help and your position on anti-depressants is a) prideful and b) not working.

    There, I’ve said it. Go ahead and be mad, and when that tapers off, please think about it.



  21. ack – strike “need to help” and insert “need some help”

    Came back to see if my teeth were in danger.

  22. Rhonda says: Reply

    I swear to you that I didn’t read this before I posted today. But, I can relate, and I hope you feel better soon.

  23. relating over here in That Girl World!

  24. reeciebird says: Reply

    Love that second asterisk.

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