For the past two weeks I have been right on the verge of tears.? For no particular reason really.? No major life traumas (well unless you count that I turn 32 in 3 days thing).? It isn’t a “hormonal” time for me.? My craptastic day was Tuesday before last.? That one where I wanted to kill everything that moved.
This is something else.? Maybe it’s the culmination of life smacking me square in the jaw.? Husband always out of town, child missing his father and taking it out on me, Little electing to not call (thanks for the advice on calling the hospital, but that isn’t how this situation works*), brother in trouble, in need of a vacation, and all the other life responsibilities that I don’t want to deal with but have no choice.? Like turning 32 in 3 days.
I was watching When We Left The Earth earlier and started crying.? The first time astronauts orbited the moon they took video of the Earth rising.? And as they transmitted the film back to Earth they read from the first chapter of Genesis.? The creation story.? (Which I fully believe is simply a story and I am soooo not in the mood to debate creationism with you.)? But it made me cry.? Because the Earth was good.? And we’re destroying it.? (Nor would I like to go on a tirade about any inconvenient truths or how we should all be saving our plastic bags for the end of civilization)
See stupid shit like that makes me cry.? It’s driving me nuts.? (Please also don’t give me crap about hormonal.? It’s not that)
I just want it to be less hard.? I don’t want things to be easy.? (Ok, maybe some things)? I just am tired of working so fricken hard for everything and getting no where.
Maybe the tea (that I don’t drink often enough) isn’t working anymore.? Maybe I just need a nice relaxing vacation (that I can’t afford) to some place that isn’t going to rain.? Or maybe I just need to crawl into bed and cry like a baby until my face is swollen.? (and please don’t tell me I need therapy or those god forsaken drugs.? What I need is that vacation)
*Little frequently elects to cut us out of her life.? It is my deduction that this is the case this time.? She’ll call when she needs something.
**and Mother, please don’t call to ask me how I’m feeling.? Shitty.? There’s your answer.? Shitty and I don’t want to talk about it.