Underneath it all

I really am a mess. I am trying too hard just to get on with my life. I am starting to worry about that. Everyone was surprised when I went back to work at the church so soon. We shut A’s bedroom door last Monday and D’s mom packed up all of his things the next day.

I am just so afraid that I am trying to play the strong roll. I get asked how I am doing and I tell people I am doing okay. I don’t say great, but I do manage an okay. In reality I am a basket case. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t just sit around feeling sorry for myself can I? I feel like I owe it to myself and my family to be the strong one.

I do happen to have my good moments, but more often than not I am pushing feelings down inside. I am about to lose it at any moment. I was so tired on Tuesday that I almost started crying in the middle of hand bell practice. I had to finish the last of the props for the kid’s Godspell production, I worked the afternoon at the church, had a 3 hour long Godspell dress rehearsal that I had to write a video production shot list for then bell choir. In the end I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Moreover, I had to tell my dad tonight that his grandson wasn’t coming home. He got angry. He tried to tell me the Russians are just telling me a story. He doesn’t want me to continue. He thinks I should just try for a domestic adoption. It made me so angry. I got frustrated with him and explained why this is our best chance at having a child right now. It took a while, but I hope he came around. He doesn’t understand the concept of an open adoption. I had to equate it to me. I said, “how would you like it if my birth mom wanted to be involved in my life?” He wasn’t too keen on that idea. He is just so stubborn sometimes. Gee, I wonder where I get it from.

Needless to say I truly am a mess. I will continue to tell you that I am fine, but in reality we all know different.

4 Comment

  1. Anonymous says: Reply

    There is a CD/song I want to share with you. I just dug it out again after not listening to it for over 5 months. It’s good for those times you know you need to grieve and just cry and let things out but are trying so hard to hold it all in. Remember we all love you!!!

  2. Captain Smartypants says: Reply

    Hang in there my love, and know that I am here for you (of course you knew that already). I am ready to hold you during the occasional meltdown. I keep telling myself that it is OK to be sad still. We make it through this somehow 🙂


  3. California Dreamin' Mama says: Reply

    I am with Kim….WOW! I will not say to you that I know how it feels to lose a child in the way that you have. I can say that I have had a miscarriage before. So, on some level…I do understand. But, I can say that I know how it feels to say “I’m fine, and my classic line is “it’s all good”. When tragedy has struck in my life or I am going through a tough time, I ALWAYS feel like I am supposed to be the strong one for other people. I feel like if I keep saying that I am fine…then, I will be. But, then someone can say something completely normal, or a silly commercial can come on TV and I just break down. I am not sure why we are wired like that. You have been in my thoughts every day since I read your news. It is strange how we only met through blogging, but, your story has really touched me to the core. I just know that God is watching over you. He is carrying you right now through the pain. I find that when we walk through the storm, rather than around it….it is incredibly painful…but, in the end once we have come through the rain….the rainbow is that more glorious. You have a network of people that are there to talk to if you need to be “real”. You don’t always have to say you are ok. Although, I understand. I say that I am fine all the time, even when I am not. I can appreciate where you are coming from. But, I hope that you can find this blog as an outlet. God Bless you!!!!

  4. Kim says: Reply

    Wow! You wrote exactly how I feel. It’s tough being “strong”. Please let yourself grieve. It is okay. Cry! I heard a song on the radio last night on my way to the gym. It made me cry, but it was so good and appropriate for the situation. I came home after work and downloaded it. It is by Casting Crowns. It is called “Praise You in the Storm”. It says that God catches every tear and He is always by our side. Please take care of yourself. I really do know your pain to a degree. I am living it right now too. If you need to talk, you know my email address and I can get you my phone number.
    I still pray for you daily.

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