Things you should know

I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I am admitting I’m an adult. I am closer to 40 than I care to be (and I find it funny that some of my friends make fun of me that I’m not yet 40). I have been married for 17 years. I’ve moved a whole helluva lot. I’ve been around the block a time or two.

You see… I have the problem. It is with (what my husband calls) the P-interest. You know, that time suck of a website that everyone uses to make it appear as if their life is magically more than it really is.

I’ll sit on my couch and say, “oh look! So and So is “gardening” Only because she just posted 40 gagillion photos of garden shit that really won’t work.

Here is my list of things that you really should know when starting out in life. Trust me. These things will make life so much simpler if you start out with low expectations.

1. Open shelving in your kitchen is a BAD idea. Unless you plan to never use your kitchen ever. When you cook grease flies everywhere. Gravity takes hold and the airborne grease settles on every surface. Including your beautiful open shelving. Unless you plan on cleaning off your beautiful vintage canisters and leaded stemware every day just put some damn cupboard doors on those shelves and call it good.

2. A chandelier in the bathroom is also another horrible plan. Basically a chandelier in any room is a recipe for disaster. And by disaster I mean a dust magnet. Of course you could hire yourself a merry maid. Then you’d totally be flaunting all that money you seem to be floating in. Chandeliers and a personal cleaning lady. Oh hello Mrs. Gates.

3. Those giant framed glasses look stupid. Stop being a hipster. We are all judging you behind your back.

4. Your 2 year old does not need a birthday party worthy of Parenting magazine. Just buy the boxed cake mix, serve drinks to you friends and let the toddlers go all Lord of the Flies for a few hours. Little Mackenzieenna doesn’t give a shit if she had an ice cream sundae bar at her party. She won’t remember.

5. Pinterest won’t make you beautiful, it won’t make you thin. Pinterest will not make you a better cook, it will not make you a better parent. It won’t make your home a show place of architectural digest nor will it win friends or influence people.

How exactly do you accomplish all of those things? How do you lose weight? You take the fork out of your mouth and quit spending your time in front of the computer. You become a better cook by burning a whole bunch of food until you get it right. Your home will likely never grace the pages of a magazine. It will only grace the pages of the blog you write that nobody reads (like mine!). You will only be more beautiful if you stop feeling crappy about yourself and realize that you are beautiful no matter what. Grey hair and all. You will only be a better parent by making time for your children. By loving them and setting a good example. By knowing that your child only sees the good in you. The beautiful parts.

These are the things you should know. Tonight a dear friend told me that no problem is too much. Look at your problem. Accept it. And say, “let’s fix this.”

Life: let’s fix this.

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