Things that happened to me today

1) I did most of my laundry yesterday and hung it out to dry because there was no way in hell I was going to turn on the dryer. ?However, I forgot to clean up the pile of clothes next to my bed. ?The pile of clothes that had the majority of my tank tops in it. ?So this morning I was forced to pull out the last resort tank tops with built-in bras. ?Whoever invented those things should be shot. ?When I was thin they were great. ?Now I’m not so much thin and the first place I gain weight is my boobs and ass. ?Ergo the size small (why the hell do I still have a size small) tank top was a little boob smashy. ?I went out to water the front plants and within 5 seconds the tank top had hiked its way up to reveal my fat belly. ?And then my boobs (that were smashed into the size small tank top) began to sweat.

2) Knowing that I would be going to the Farmer’s Market with my child and the trusty mother-in-law I decided to change said tank top. ?However, I was wearing plaid shorts and my choice of leftover tank tops included a red, white and blue polka-dot one and a lime green and baby blue striped one. ?Since I was going into public I did what any other sane person would do and dug through the pile of dirty laundry on the side of my bed. ?Ah-Ha! ?There was a white tank top. ?I held it up for spot inspection and it looked fine. ?Those wrinkles will fall out. ?Don tank top.

3) Went shopping at Target for sunscreen (because I can’t find the one I just bought, it must be in the same place as the tank top I can’t seem to find but know is clean and that matched the plaid shorts I had on). ?I get to the register (now I have my child and my MIL with me by this point) and look down to get my wallet out of my purse. ?What’s that? ?A spot on my shirt? ?I hold out the shirt (because I can’t ?see over my damn boobs) and there is a giant coffee cup ring on my shirt. ?Has my fat belly gotten so big that I’m now resting my morning coffee on it? ?Note to self: cut back on ice cream.

4) Target is 1/2 way between my house and the Farmer’s Market. ?Rather than a) go home and put on boob smashy tank top or b) put on the new clean tank top that I just purchased (because I’ll need that tomorrow) I decide to go to the Farmer’s Market with stainy shirt on.

Stay classy Elle.

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In other news: my child decided to draw me a lovely picture. ?He said, “Mommy, come see the picture I drew you.” ?He drew it on his closet door with a pencil. ?I will also note that not 5 minutes earlier I saw him doing something in my room and asked what it was. ?”Drawing you a picture.” ?Me, “oh that’s nice dear.” ?It should also be noted that his art supplies are housed at the other end of the house.

Please send cold beverages.