A few months ago the trusty husband and I sat down and had a conversation that I wasn’t planning on having. ?We were out for happy hour sans small child and somehow the conversation turned to having more children. ?We both agree that more would be nice. ?However, we are not in a position to say, “yes, let’s do that.” ?In 2008 we spent another 6 months trying to get pregnant. ?Did I tell you that? ?I don’t remember. ?We did, it didn’t work. ?When we started he asked me how long we are going to try for. ?I didn’t have an answer. ?I figured we would try until either it worked (HA HA) or until I couldn’t stand the disappointment anymore. ?We went with the latter.
In our conversation we both agreed that trying to have a biological kid, yeah not so much good for us. ?We aren’t going to try that anymore. ?That pretty much leaves adoption for us and well… we can’t afford that. ?Whee! ?We got a dog instead. ?Obligatory we can’t have a kid dog?
I’m ok with where we are right now. ?I’m ok with not having a biological child. ?Obviously, I adopted. ?I’m ok with putting plans to adopt another child on hold for the moment. ?I would like to do it without huge amounts of debt. ?What I haven’t done is gone through the process of grieving my infertility.
No, I have not gone through the process of full on infertility testing. ?I don’t want to do it because I find it totally hypocritical that our insurance will pay 80% of the testing but 0% of the treatment. ?The other reason is I don’t believe in artificial reproductive therapy. ?So why go through the testing to find out something is wrong, but not follow through with the treatment? ?I know what is wrong with me. ?I have fibroids. ?I have an ovary that was cauterized from endometriosis treatment and I don’t know if it functions properly. ?I have scar tissue from having a lime sized tumor cut out of my uterus. ?I have issues people. ?It’s all a mess up in there.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not mad about the whole thing. ?Why did I have to get tumors? ?Why did I have to have very severe endometriosis? ?Why can’t I have a baby and my girlfriends are on #2 or #3? ?Boo frickedy hoo, why me?
I’m stuck between this rock and a hard place. ?On one hand I know I can’t have more children right now and I want them, but I also don’t want to go through the “I did all I could do” stuff people go through. ?It leaves me in a bit of a pickle.
Here’s the catch. ?Have you noticed? ?There are pregnant people everywhere. ?Well that’s a big fat duh. ?Seriously. ?Every.where. ? Get invited to a party – pregnant chick. ?Find a new funny blog to read – written by a pregnant chick. ?Log in to Facebook – pregnant friend. ?Preschool mom – pregnant. ?I can’t get away from them.
Sure, I want to grieve my infertility. ?I’ve been trying. ?I’ve been trying to move past this. ?It’s just that giant green monster of jealousy that eats at my very soul. ?One girlfriend who understands might do the trick. ?One who listens and ends up pregnant and calls to talk to me before blabbing it all over Facebook first. ?One who calls to say, “hey I know you are having a rough go at it but I just wanted you to know that so and so is pregnant and will be there on Sunday.” ?One who gets it. ?That’s great for you that you are having baby #20, but I’m not and I’m not really happy for you, I’m totally jealous.
I can relate
I went through 8 years of infertility between my kids, and ALL my friends got pregnant and had kids at least once and many twice in that time period so I totally understand the jealousy you are feeling. I cried lots at night every time I congratulated another friend earlier in the day. The only person I could talk to about this was my husband, none of my girlfriends understood or were in the same boat.
(By the way I did get pregnant at 40 after I stopped all treatments – very bizarre).
I feel for you and wish you luck with whatever path you choose.
(Have you looked into becoming foster parents? I know that can sometimes lead to adoption…)
Yep…am there, doing that…and it’s not easy. Pretty much is awful.
Totally understand. My brother’s wife just had their second baby and although I’m happy, it just seems like it was so “easy” for them. Well, lets have a second baby and there it is! I also know about adoption. I too wanted to adopt again. I would love to have another child, a brother or sister for my daughter, but the money has always been the issue! We went to specialist and although I always knew that I couldn’t “carry” a biological child I thought all the new medicine would be the ticket, but according to them, it wasn’t. I guess what I”m trying to say is I understand. There are babies and big fat bellies everywhere and I too I’m jealous….
I can relate too. Yesterday, I took the dog for a walk around the neighborhood… I was having a great day enjoying the sun. Then, I saw three gals from the next block over with their babies sitting on a lawn catching up with each other. Although I’ve met these gals before… this time none of them looked up to say “hi”. Feeling like a barren pariah, I just wanted to walk quickly away from there, but the dog was pulling me to stop and pee at every pole and then took a big smelly doodoo. They still didn’t say “hi”.
I can also very easily relate. We haven’t made the decision to adopt yet or contiue treatment. It’s a tough place to be in, and you are right. There are pregnant women everywhere! And what gets me are the ones who weren’t even trying.
Oh, I can so relate. When my hubby and I got married 6 years I never dreamed it would be so hard to do what seems to come naturally for everyone else. I just have to believe that things are happening the way they are for a reason – we’ve grown a lot through everything we have experienced and I know that when our adoption is complete we will have a greater appreciation for the gift of family than we might have had otherwise.
Before I brought Sabrina home, I was bitter and jealous about friends who could just plan to have a baby in June/July because it was convenient and poof they got pregnant right on schedule. Even now, because Tessa was such a miracle, I marvel that there are people who can do that while so many of us struggle.
Hang in there. At some point, the grief will find its way out.