The art of the hunt

Today was Christmas Tree Day.? Yes, there are accompanying photos, but I’m not exactly sure where my camera is at this point.? You should see my house.? It looks like Christmas threw up all over and decided not to do laundry.

Of course the trusty husband scheduled eye appointments for us this morning.? With a new eye doc.? Which means she dilates your eyes.? And renders both of us incapable of driving the 30 minutes down the freeway to the tree farm.? Then there’s that child.? Always with the kid.? Of course he needs a nap.? Then he didn’t get to sleep “on time” which made us get out of the house later than expected.? You see… we live where it gets dark at 4:00.? Child up at 2:00.? Wrangle child into outerwear and into the car 30 minutes.? Tree farm is 30 minutes away, but we need gas and coffee.? This only leaves a little less than an hour to hunt our tree.

You would think that after 12 or so years of us hunting our Christmas tree that we would have this down to a science.? Oh no.? It is still a major ordeal.? One that finds me so tired at the end of the day the smell of evergreens makes me want to throw up.? I’d rather be smelling chocolate at this point.

Here is what we should have done:

1. pick up saw from tree guy.

2. walk out to tree forest.

3. cut down the first damn tree we said we liked.

Here’s what happened:

We get there and get our saw.? That part worked out well.? We saw a pretty tree right by the road the tractor drives along to cart the heavy ass trees to your car.? But did we cut that tree?? Noooo.? We I had to find a prettier one.? So we wander.? Mind you I swear this is worlds largest tree farm.? And you know what.? Trees.? All tall, all green.? They look the fucking same.? Then there’s the kid.? That damn kid.? The trees are planted in rows and each row is raised just a wee bit.? This means if you walk perpendicular to the rows you walk up and down little hills.? The child flipped out.? As if the whole world should be flat just for him.? So every 3 feet he’s frozen in his tracks crying.? He wants us to carry him.? Not gonna happen my friend.? I have a coffee to drink.

We found a tree that we really liked, but of course we I wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything better in the other 200 acres this place has.? And where did we end up.? The first tree we found (ok, not the first tree, but the one one the opposite end of the tree farm).? So there are these two idiots wandering around with a 3′ midget following them crying every 3′.

Our tree officially weighs 400 pounds and it took 3 men to heft it onto the roof of our truck.? The trunk is so big we had to go buy a new stand.? But at this moment… it is lit (with 700 lights) and mostly decorated.? We had to cut a few inches off the top to make it fit, but it’s pretty.

21 Comment

  1. Next year we really need to go tree shopping together. I say this for my own selfishness as well as your sanity. Seriously. Put it freakin’ on your calender. The L’s and the L’s need to go freakin’ tree-shopping together. That way the kids will distract themselves, or one parent can sacrifice themselves to the “laggers” in the group?

    Are you with me?

    I have tree hunting tomorrow … damn you for not calling us today. I came home freakin’ early today. Few benefits to massive family deaths. But one of them includes making time for family. But next year, I can just plan on family tree-hunting expedition … I’m serious …

    Though I’m wondering how serious you are about the tree smelling better than the chocolate at this point. I haven’t had chocolate since being your slave yesterday …

    Thanks for that, btw. …

  2. I can just picture it… and I’m trying to not laugh too hard, or I’ll wake the kids!

  3. Derek – print out this post, laminate it, and next year pull it out when you’re at the tree farm after the first good tree has been found! That’s the “devil’s advocate” side in me coming out.

  4. Gypsy says: Reply

    Hi Elle, Just stopping by to say Merry Christmas. I did ask AB to seat me near someone funny and looks like the dear lady has heeded my wishes. Love your sense of humour and your little boy is just TOO cute. I will definitely be back to see pics of that bad ass tree.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Down Under, whichever you prefer.

  5. I was feeling kind of guilty for still using my artificial tree now that Slugger’s home. This post has absolved me of my guilt. Thanks you.

  6. I always have to wander the acres too. Drives my husband crazy, me always yelling, “Wait, I found a different one, come look” just as he’s about to cut the other one down. It was raining this year when we got ours (4 kids in tow) so I was forced to make a snap decision.

    Are you going to share pictures of your (I’m sure it’s lovely) big ass tree?

  7. Hey Elle,

    I’m sitting next to you at Anonymous Boxer’s Christmas party; I just dropped in to say Happy Holidays. After reading, I’m guessing you got a really big tree! 700 lights?! Wow. It must be incredibly beautiful. (And I’m the same way about shoping-ha! )

    Merry Christmas!
    Soap Box Girl

  8. DebiP says: Reply

    sounds like every tree hunt we went on…now we have many huge tree stand and many many lights…and we bought a fake tree…10 years ago and it is still the best tree eva

  9. Howling!! Oh Honey, youse a riot. Christmas threw up and din’t do no laundry ? hysterical !

    I’se movin’ around the table at Anon Boxer’s marvelous Blog party–and jes’ havin’ a grand time…

    But Sugar, Aunty has chocolates –so c’mon by, eat them until ya’ feels better.
    I won’t even ask ya’ to hang an ornament.

  10. mom says: Reply

    We’re going tomorrow and although the midget isn’t with us , I’m certain our adventure will be very similar to yours. Actually…I think that’s what makes it fun. Coming home, frozen little turds, only makes you appreciate that dang tree that gives the gift that keeps on giving! Needles……..yea…….

  11. Jenny2 says: Reply

    My name is Jenny2 and I have a confession to make… I bought an ALUMINUM tree this year and I love it.

    It’s pre lit too. And if I could have bought one with the ornaments already attached, I would have.

    But remember, I’m oldy.

  12. I just got my tree today too. It’s in the living room drinking a gallon water and awating the lights.

    I’m sorry but I had to laugh. I remember the days when mine was little like yours.

    Happy Holidays,
    See you at AB’s.

  13. Manuel says: Reply

    Hello…..just popped in from AB’s party…..How you doing tonight? Can I get you something from the bar…..?

  14. No real trees here.
    Only fake ones I can shove back in the box, lights & deccies still attached.

    However, I did laugh so hard that my drink started to come out my nose.

    So there’s that.

    See you at dinner!


  15. Ah, tree hunting. A chore I haven’t done in several years. I haven’t even put up a tree in five years, seeing as I’m never at my house for Christmas anyway, but the last few years that I did, it was a fake one. The ex kept that though, and I’ve not bothered to replace it. I really should. It would help me get into the spirit of things more. Especially since we don’t get any snow here.

    Well, I think I’m going to make a few more rounds at AB’s party, then hit the hay, so I’ll probably see you at the mixer.

  16. Hi Elle, here from the party, at last! Looks like we have a lot in common, particularly blond-haired, blue-eyed, food flinging little goblins in our lives (and the same hair cut, it seems!)

    Happy holidays, and will be back soon, on a less chaotic day!


  17. Jenny says: Reply

    OK, my tree is fake too, but I have a REAL good excuse. Husband goes into major asthma mode with the mold in dying trees (tres romantique) and can’t breath.

    But just how big is this tree? You’ve seen my house, I bet it wouldn’t fit.

    And Kev and I are looking for you at church… oh Ellllleeee…..oh Ellleeee…

  18. NEAL says: Reply

    We hunted, per chickadee’s post above.

    Went across the west county line for ours. Rasco P. Coltrain didn’t chase us back, though (thank goodness!)

    Smallish grand fir tree, about 3 fee circumference at the base. Will hold the lights and enough decoration.

  19. Jenni says: Reply

    Sounds like some fond, warm holiday memories for you! This year, we went to Home Depot, walked into the lot, grabbed a tree, paid and left. It took us perhaps 7 minutes max. Not very festive, but the kids didn’t care.

  20. Jenny says: Reply

    Hey Miss! Give Kev a call if you need a hand, either Mon or Tues. Kiddo is at daycare, so he comes minus baby. The other L’s have our number. 🙂 Can’t wait to try them, sound amazing.

  21. Merry Christmas! Sounds a bit too much like our experience, except we kept losing our kids among the trees.

    Your tree might give Clark Griswold a run for his money. Looking for that “old fashion family christmas…..” 🙂

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