The anti-child

We’ve all heard of the anti-christ right?? That demonic being that robs you of our soul in exchange for knowing how to play this here git-tar (sorry, I watched Oh Brother again the other night).? I think instead of adopting the anti-christ, I adopted the anti-child.

Now most boys are well… boys.? They like to get dirty.? They like cars, sports and rough housing.? This isn’t to say that I’m totally generalizing boys.? It’s just that most of the boys that I know are like that.? My boy is a little different.

My child likes to play dress-up with the girls.? He saw a commercial on TV for the Hannah Muhtanna* movie and said he wanted to see it and that she was “one of his girls.”? He would rather wear gardening gloves outside as to not get his hands dirty and loud noises freak him the hell out.

I thought it was so cute the other morning.? The boy was playing nicely in his room with his cars.? I walked into the kitchen and told the trusty husband that I was so happy that he’s actually playing with his cars now.? He smiled.? I walked into the boys room and asked, “what are you playing?”? His response, “these (pointing to cars on the floor) are my vacuums and these (pointing to the cars still in the box) are my CDs.”? I walked back into the kitchen and the trusty husband said, “he told you they were vacuums didn’t he?”? And then I cried a little.

At this moment everything is a vacuum.? The thunder tube, a kaleidoscope, you name it… it’s a vacuum.? And the slinky, that’s a dryer vent or a gutter.

Now I’m all for imagination.? Hell, I was an only child for the longest time and had a very active imagination.? I even had an imaginary friend (of which I believe the boy has one too, named Mario).? But this child doesn’t do most of what typical children his age like to do.

I tried to shove him outside this afternoon to enjoy the little bit of sun we were getting and all he did was stand at the door and cry.? He told me it was too chilly. For the record it was 68 outside.? I put a coat, socks and shoes on him (he’d previously been wearing crocs) and told him to stay out there.? He continued to cry.? I finally let him in and he then proceeded to play vacuum in his bedroom for the next hour.

I know that my child is a little different, and I’m certainly not complaining.? I just find him to be an odd duck of a kid.? I so badly don’t want to have a child that wants to stay inside and play video games all day long.? When I was a kid I didn’t have a choice.? We were thrown outside and told not to come in until dinner.? There was no screaming about it allowed.? I’m just afraid that if I put him out there and he screams some neighbor is going to call CPS on me.? Then how would that conversation go?

CPS dude: ma’am one of your neighbors called about a screaming child.

me: uh yeah.? in an attempt to make sure my child received adequate healthy outdoor time I tried to make my child play outside.? It’s not like I locked the door or anything.

CPS dude: point taken, carry on.

Now part of what set him off with the outside was a combination of things.? First, he didn’t nap (because he had to go poop and we’ve already discussed the not getting out of his bed thing).? Second, he was riding his bike outside and all of a sudden he started crying.? Screaming rather.? Like he was seriously injured.? I went running only to find out that a bug had flown by his ear and it scared him.? Along with a fear of pine cones our yard has evidently become a garden or horrors and is not to be trusted.? Therefore, I’m stuck with my 4 year old inside the rest of the summer.


*that’s how my niece pronounces it.

12 Comment

  1. Lena says: Reply

    Well, maybe you can come over to my house all summer long for playdates with my 4-year-old and 6-year-old. They can play outside or inside, as long as I don’t have to travel… 🙂

    I kicked my kids outside yesterday with the promise of a popcicle, worked like a charm.

  2. Maree says: Reply

    LOL! Awww…don’t feel too bad. My oldest two boys were odd little ducks too. They would have rather put makeup on than play with cars. They also HATED to get dirty at that age too. They wouldn’t hear of it. They’re now 6 and 11 and completely normal (well…um…more normal lol What’s normal anyway??? lol). Hang in there! Maybe offer to play vacuum with him next time? 😛

  3. Jeez, I never locked the door…

  4. Liv says: Reply

    Renee… best commment ever. LOL

  5. Lauri says: Reply

    I think we got each others children? I am the shy quiet quirky clean freak introvert of a Mama with an outgoing, adventurous extrovert of a daughter…who at 4 is already stressing me the hell out.

    I wanted to tell you that for the brief time Livi was sensitive to sounds, touch.. etc…. the OT’s would put the pine cone( playdough, grass) in a zip loc baggie… let her look at it, the touch it on the outside of the bag and then take babysteps to accepting the new weird feeling object.

  6. Consider the vacuum a manly shop-vac. Dryer vents and gutters are manly. He probably knows more about how a building is engineered than most kids. Maybe he could vacuum up the fir cones with a shop-vac. The Hannah Montana thing I don’t know.

  7. Lee says: Reply

    Maybe buy him a kid-sized vacuum, then you’d have a “mini-maid”-the whole kill-2-birds-with-one stone-thing? Clean house, happy child, relaxed mommy….

    PS I’ll take him to Hannah Muhtanna with can thank me later. 😉

  8. Heather says: Reply

    Give the kid a break…he is making great progress! I remember a time when he was scared to death of a certain Vacuum. And sorry to say my dear he is your child! Sounds waaaayyyy to much like his mommy! LOL BFF! He loves to play outside at my house and I promise I’ll put Dodge in his kennel 🙂

  9. MIL says: Reply

    The child LOVES music – Hanna Muhtanna sounds good to him . . . Michele is dead-on for this one! MIL

  10. kate says: Reply

    Hmmm…maybe a leaf-vac would entice him out into the world?

    Who, besides Hanna, are “his girls”?

  11. He sounds like my husband.

  12. Jenni says: Reply

    I say take advantage of this vacuum phase while it lasts! Put him in front of the real thing and have him vacuum your floors!

    If it’s any consolation, my son was saying just the other day how he wished he was a girl (it had something to do with their cool clothes). He’s definitely in touch with his feminine side – I think he may have a career in musical theatre ahead of him. 😉

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