The anti-child

We’ve all heard of the anti-christ right?? That demonic being that robs you of our soul in exchange for knowing how to play this here git-tar (sorry, I watched Oh Brother again the other night).? I think instead of adopting the anti-christ, I adopted the anti-child.

Now most boys are well… boys.? They like to get dirty.? They like cars, sports and rough housing.? This isn’t to say that I’m totally generalizing boys.? It’s just that most of the boys that I know are like that.? My boy is a little different.

My child likes to play dress-up with the girls.? He saw a commercial on TV for the Hannah Muhtanna* movie and said he wanted to see it and that she was “one of his girls.”? He would rather wear gardening gloves outside as to not get his hands dirty and loud noises freak him the hell out.

I thought it was so cute the other morning.? The boy was playing nicely in his room with his cars.? I walked into the kitchen and told the trusty husband that I was so happy that he’s actually playing with his cars now.? He smiled.? I walked into the boys room and asked, “what are you playing?”? His response, “these (pointing to cars on the floor) are my vacuums and these (pointing to the cars still in the box) are my CDs.”? I walked back into the kitchen and the trusty husband said, “he told you they were vacuums didn’t he?”? And then I cried a little.

At this moment everything is a vacuum.? The thunder tube, a kaleidoscope, you name it… it’s a vacuum.? And the slinky, that’s a dryer vent or a gutter.

Now I’m all for imagination.? Hell, I was an only child for the longest time and had a very active imagination.? I even had an imaginary friend (of which I believe the boy has one too, named Mario).? But this child doesn’t do most of what typical children his age like to do.

I tried to shove him outside this afternoon to enjoy the little bit of sun we were getting and all he did was stand at the door and cry.? He told me it was too chilly. For the record it was 68 outside.? I put a coat, socks and shoes on him (he’d previously been wearing crocs) and told him to stay out there.? He continued to cry.? I finally let him in and he then proceeded to play vacuum in his bedroom for the next hour.

I know that my child is a little different, and I’m certainly not complaining.? I just find him to be an odd duck of a kid.? I so badly don’t want to have a child that wants to stay inside and play video games all day long.? When I was a kid I didn’t have a choice.? We were thrown outside and told not to come in until dinner.? There was no screaming about it allowed.? I’m just afraid that if I put him out there and he screams some neighbor is going to call CPS on me.? Then how would that conversation go?

CPS dude: ma’am one of your neighbors called about a screaming child.

me: uh yeah.? in an attempt to make sure my child received adequate healthy outdoor time I tried to make my child play outside.? It’s not like I locked the door or anything.

CPS dude: point taken, carry on.

Now part of what set him off with the outside was a combination of things.? First, he didn’t nap (because he had to go poop and we’ve already discussed the not getting out of his bed thing).? Second, he was riding his bike outside and all of a sudden he started crying.? Screaming rather.? Like he was seriously injured.? I went running only to find out that a bug had flown by his ear and it scared him.? Along with a fear of pine cones our yard has evidently become a garden or horrors and is not to be trusted.? Therefore, I’m stuck with my 4 year old inside the rest of the summer.

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*that’s how my niece pronounces it.