As a girl I loved to watch the Miss America pageant.? I loved any pageant.? I also watched competition cheer leading and dance team.? (I still do on occasion)? I dreamed of being a tall beautiful girl.? But when I topped out at 5’4″ in the 6th grade I knew I was destined to be the school mascot.? (which I tried out for and wasn’t picked.? how sad is that)? Somewhere around the late 80s early 90s I stopped watching pageants.? The fake plastered on smiles and the “I want to promote whirled peas” answers contestants gave made me want to gag.? These were supposed to be the role modes for young girls?? Brainless Barbie with her plastic wave and bouffant hair.? No thanks.? I was the girl who threw darts at a photo of Margaret Thatcher who dreamed of being a great novelist.? Screw mainstream media.? I can be short and fat and awesome.? (who am I kidding)
With the latest Hollywood writers strike I have been forced to watch more cable programming.? I have been robbed of my Grey’s, Private Practice, Heros and other quality television programming.? I have been reduced to the likes of Make Me a Supermodel (and wtf there?? chastised for some jiggly thighs.? gah they might as well throw me off a cliff and put me out of my misery) and Miss America Reality Check.
Although I didn’t watch Reality Check very often I did “get to know” the contestants a little bit better.? I was impressed by the way the pageant producers wanted to improve the image of Miss America.? Lord knows young girls need good role models these days.? I’m not saying beauty pageants are the best choices for young girls, with all the promoting of beauty and such, but it’s better than the Lindsays and Parises of the world.? I was impressed that the girls weren’t emaciated twigs.? They were healthy and muscular.? Damn.? The legs on some of those ladies.? I felt most of their answers to the questions were given with some thought (well, as much thought as one can give with 10 seconds of warning).
But here is what kills me.? I hated that Miss Utah was out in the first finalist cut.? That girl’s got game.? She’s military, was proud to be the only one wearing a once piece in the swim suit competition and when she was eliminated she gave an awesome push-up salute.
I was happy to see the baton chick go.? Honestly.? Who does baton twirling, and where the fuck do you learn such a talent?
Here is the kicker though… the winner.? Miss Michigan.? The producers of the Miss America Pageant wanted to freshen the image of the whole thing.? Yet the judges picked the most pageanty contestant.? Let’s look at the facts.? That dress.? In the evening gown competition Miss Michigan wore something akin to what Dorothy Hamill would wear at the Ice Capades.? I don’t remember the swimsuit competition so I can’t comment there.? In the “talent” portion Miss Michigan sung “Over the Rainbow.”? She did so very flat and with no feeling.? And honestly “Over the Rainbow,” can’t get more pageanty than that.? And last but not least… her hair.? Look at the top 8 contestants.? Out of all of them Miss Michigan sported the stringyest most pageanty do of them all.? Not sporty like Miss California, but pageanty.
In the end the judges could have picked someone with real talent (Miss Texas) or with a beautiful dress (Miss Wisconsin), but no.? And Miss Washington… really need to use your big girl voice, but I do think you were robbed just a little.? Seeing as you are from Tacoma and all.