A few weeks ago I sat on the couch with Derek and mentioned how nice things were right now. I was happy that I had a job and that this Spring I’ll be able to work more. Derek had a stable job. Things were nice. A few days after that I though, that might not have been a good thing to say out loud. Now that it was out there surely my world should come crashing down around me. I am forever the pessimist. Very few times in our 14 years of marriage have I been able to proclaim complacency. Very few times in my life for that matter. In an attempt to be more positive I told myself I was stupid for thinking that and to enjoy life.
On Friday, the 8th, Derek’s Dad said Mom would be going to the doctor on Wednesday. That pessimist in me starting to worry. I down played it saying it was nothing. I mentioned it to my boss and we agreed that it wasn’t going to be a big deal… but that pessimism kept nagging.
Derek had a dentist appointment on Monday and was going to stop for lunch with his parents. Dad said Mom had a terrible headache and that they couldn’t make lunch. Wednesday was the doctor’s appointment and Dad said mom had lost a little bit of peripheral vision and they were scheduling an MRI. My mind jumped to the worst case scenario.
Thursday afternoon Derek called the house and said, “I’m glad you’re home.” Of course I was home. Where else would I be? He informed me that Mom was in the hospital. She had a brain tumor.
I don’t know if this has ever happened to you. You imagine the worst case scenario and that scenario comes true. All of it. My mother-in-law has a brain tumor and my whole world is crashing down around me. If it hasn’t I hope it never does.
Where am I? In a strange limbo that feels like there is no light anywhere near the end. The woman I turn to for advice, the woman that has been like a mother to me for 18 years*, one of the strongest smartest women I know is laying in a hospital bed with a hole in her head.
The diagnosis isn’t good. Cancer. The prognosis is unknown.
I can say that I’m angry. I’m angry with God. I was angry before, but now I’m downright pissed off. I ask for prayers and I say them myself, but I am so angry. For years I heard “God knew what he was doing” when we were waiting for Oleg. “It was God’s plan.”
Why is it we praise God when something good in our lives happens and say it was “His plan”, but when something bad happens we say, “bad things happen.” Why does God have such a good plan and the bad stuff is just that… bad? I don’t buy it. The point is, I’m angry. This shouldn’t be happening.
Please don’t tell me not to be angry at God. I have the right to be.
*This isn’t to diminish my own mother. That isn’t what this is about.