Prognosis unknown

A few weeks ago I sat on the couch with Derek and mentioned how nice things were right now.  I was happy that I had a job and that this Spring I’ll be able to work more.  Derek had a stable job.  Things were nice.  A few days after that I though, that might not have been a good thing to say out loud.  Now that it was out there surely my world should come crashing down around me.  I am forever the pessimist.  Very few times in our 14 years of marriage have I been able to proclaim complacency.  Very few times in my life for that matter.  In an attempt to be more positive I told myself I was stupid for thinking that and to enjoy life.

On Friday, the 8th, Derek’s Dad said Mom would be going to the doctor on Wednesday.  That pessimist in me starting to worry.  I down played it saying it was nothing.  I mentioned it to my boss and we agreed that it wasn’t going to be a big deal… but that pessimism kept nagging.

Derek had a dentist appointment on Monday and was going to stop for lunch with his parents.  Dad said Mom had a terrible headache and that they couldn’t make lunch.  Wednesday was the doctor’s appointment and Dad said mom had lost a little bit of peripheral vision and they were scheduling an MRI.  My mind jumped to the worst case scenario.

Thursday afternoon Derek called the house and said, “I’m glad you’re home.”  Of course I was home.  Where else would I be?  He informed me that Mom was in the hospital.  She had a brain tumor.

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you.  You imagine the worst case scenario and that scenario comes true.  All of it.  My mother-in-law has a brain tumor and my whole world is crashing down around me.  If it hasn’t I hope it never does.

Where am I?  In a strange limbo that feels like there is no light anywhere near the end.  The woman I turn to for advice, the woman that has been like a mother to me for 18 years*, one of the strongest smartest women I know is laying in a hospital bed with a hole in her head.

The diagnosis isn’t good.  Cancer.  The prognosis is unknown.

I can say that I’m angry.  I’m angry with God.  I was angry before, but now I’m downright pissed off.  I ask for prayers and I say them myself, but I am so angry.  For years I heard “God knew what he was doing” when we were waiting for Oleg.  “It was God’s plan.”

Why is it we praise God when something good in our lives happens and say it was “His plan”, but when something bad happens we say, “bad things happen.”  Why does God have such a good plan and the bad stuff is just that… bad?  I don’t buy it.  The point is, I’m angry.  This shouldn’t be happening.

Please don’t tell me not to be angry at God.  I have the right to be.


*This isn’t to diminish my own mother.  That isn’t what this is about.

8 Comment

  1. bethee says: Reply

    Hell yes, you deserve to be pissed. But also, realize this. You have time. Valuable time. Invaluable time. Spend it with her no matter what. This is part of the gift that is being given to you.

    My mom died last winter. She went to take a nap and never woke up. It was sudden and unexpected. Getting closure was tough. Make sure you’re at peace with any type of closure you may think you need.

    I’m around — moving again — but around. Email me if you want to chat. I can be an ear for you if you need it.

    Time is a gift.

  2. mom says: Reply

    When someone we love gets sick, it hurts. How can you not be angry and sad. See it through my eyes is painful. Loving others has nothing to do with me. She was there when both you and I were living in a nightmare. She stepped up… and for this I am forever thankful. I will continue to hold you, Derek, and his family in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to all… I love you.

  3. I am soo sorry Elle.

  4. I’m so sorry. So scary – I think anger is an appropriate reaction.

  5. Kate says: Reply

    Sadly, I’ve been in this place. And it sucks. And it’s OK to be mad at God — and to lean on Him heavily. And to ask for miracles and cures and genius doctors. Lord knows we’ve done all those things … and it’s worked on some occasions.

    My heart breaks for you and your family. There are not really words that make it easier or better. Personally, I’m all for crying and stomping feet and begging God in prayer + lots and lots of love, tears, laughter, prayers among family and friends.

    You, Derek and your family will be close in my prayers. I will ask my favorite people in Heaven, my mom and dad, to pray, too.

    Take good care of yourself. That’s very important.


  6. Oh Elle, I am so sorry. I think it’s totally normal to be mad at God. Your mother in law will definitely be in my prayers as will you and the rest of the family.

  7. Betsy says: Reply

    I AM a praying person and my prayers are with you. I think it’s fine to be angry – God can take it and He knows we’re human. Has Oleg ever been mad because of something you wouldn’t let him have or do? He doesn’t understand why and you realize that and you love him anyway. I think it’s like that with God. Also, your MIL is His child too (like you are) so He’s hurting right along with you.

  8. […] it.  The color faded a little too quickly and I never had the time to get it done again.  Because this happened.  For the past 6 months I have not made the time for myself.  When a Living Social deal […]

Leave a Reply