I’ve had longer than I would like to process through this impending surgery. I was hoping that it could have been scheduled for this week, but the earliest they could get me in was February 8th. That meant I have (had) a good month to dwell on it. I’m trying my hardest to now dwell on the situation. Instead I’m trying to keep myself busy and prepare my family. However, I have my moments of dread and fear.
A week ago I finally lost it and realized that I’ll never be able to give my husband a biological child. I realize I’ve said over and over that I don’t care about having a biological child. I don’t. What about my husband? He’s said he doesn’t care, but does he say that just to make me feel better?
This is all a process of working through loss.
I am pretty sure that readers will grow tired of listening to me blather on about this surgery. I am pretty certain that I don’t care. I’ve been a blogger for nearly 7 years now. I’ve read countless blogs of people who have gotten pregnant and I’ve had to read about it. Yes, there are many that I stop reading when the writer does become pregnant. There are some that I keep reading. I’ve also had to watch my friends bitch and moan on Facebook that they are soooo tired of being pregnant. Shut the hell up. You could be me.
I’m going to write about this. I’m going to complain. It’s my turn now.
In a way, I totally know what you are going through. I have been dealing with this all my life. I knew that I couldn’t have a biological child, and just had surgery Dec 1 for another kidney transplant. I don’t think people realize the lost we go through-in my case, I had just lost my dad a month before to cancer, and was losing the kidney my mother gave me at 10. I’m still dealing with it, and it is hard. As for waiting for the surgery, it is so so so hard!!! I had to wait forever, and by the time Dec 1 rolled around I was like beyond prepared and so ready just to get it done. And I will never be able to give my husband a biological child, and always wonder if he would have bonded easier with one then our daughter. And deep down I resent people who bitch about how they get pregnant and “surprise” we are pregnant with twins…ugh! So yes, bitch about it! It is your time, and I’m with you sister!!! Good luck and I will be thinking of you!
bil/sil having the first bio grandkid threw me for a loop. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about it.
bitch, moan and complain all you want. this is your space.
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. You write whatever you want and are feeling…..I will still be reading. Lots of prayers being sent your way!
Write away. You’ve earned the right to bitch and moan.