My Name is Earl

I have now secured my position as the champion of the wierd family contest.? For years I have always been the winner in the game, “who’s family is weirder.”? It is usually a contest between the trusty BIL and I, but last year my friend Jenny entered the ring and knocked me off my throne.? However, yesterday’s escapade at my Uncle’s wedding secured my title for a long time coming.? I won’t give out all of the info today simply because I need stories to tell at mommies group and they all read my blog.? But I’ll give you a run down of the afternoon.

First and foremost, this wedding was at the Moose Lodge.? For those unfamiliar with a Moose Lodge, it’s like an Elk’s Lodge or something similar only way more trailer trashy.? Complete with screened in smoking porch and a whole lot of y’alls.? (we live in Washington, not Alabama)? This was not the first wedding I’ve attended at the Moose Lodge.? My father was married there.? They had a wedding complete with a Seahawks theme.? This wedding was a little classier.? Real flowers (likely picked out of someone’s yard), a professional cake (unlike my dad’s) and a live band (as opposed to the karaoke machine of yore).

The bride and groom held the ceremony outside (behind the smoking porch and next to the playground complete with giant tractor tire) and began late because the bride to be had to go outside for one last smoke.? The ceremony lasted all of 3 minutes with, “do ya? yep. do ya? yep.? Y’alls is married.” *insert mid 40s uncle making out with new wife here*? But the men wore tuxedos so it was classy.

The reception was open bar and it took every ounce of strength in me to not double order.? I actually drank my one little gin & tonic in the corner as to not draw attention to the fact that I actually had a drink.? (90% of my family are alcoholics and the remainder, my uncle Shawn, will chastise me for drinking)? And by the end of it I wished I had more, however that would have likely ended in me getting into a fist fight with a family member.

Dinner was a feast of cocktail weenies, and cold meatballs, potato salad, macaroni salad, fruit salad (the kind with whipped cream, complete with coconut), cole slaw, and meat/cheese tray.? mmmm.? I was eating Ritz crackers at 10:30 last night.

I had a lovely time talking with my Aunt Robin.? We entertained her best friend with stories about our family and it was nice to know that there are others who brief new people in “proper Kinney family protocol” prior to an event.? I got the scoop on a cousin and it was agreed that she had baby #9 with her.? The state is letting her keep this one as long as she goes in for weekly drug testing.? (oh yeah, this cousin is only 33)

When crazy aunt came within 10 feet of us we scattered using the excuse that we had to go check on the child who was outside playing on aforementioned tractor tire.? I went inside to talk to my dad and Grandma had to take a photo of us.? Then they thought it would be fun to take a photo of my whole immediate family.

See that look on my face.? That one that says “I’m totally uncomforable.”? Yeah… crazy aunt was heckling me.? I was thanking God that I’d only had that one drink because otherwise I would have totally punched her in the face.? We stayed for about 20 minutes after that episode.

Despite my strange family I had a good time.? I love them dearly and if anything they provide me with good stories to tell (and this isn’t even all of them from this event).? What’s more… I walked away with this photo.

I love these boys.