My husband, the plague upon all automobiles

Captain Smartypants has all the luck with cars. Not in a “they break down and can never be repaired” kinda way, but in the general bad luck fashion. Of course there was the one instance where the engine of his truck went tets up about 1/2 a mile from our home. CS has had trucks vandalized, pushed down driveways into garages, broken into, and even a few cars run into things like mailboxes and rock retaining walls. He?s had friends hit his cars, morons change lanes into him in a roundabout, dumbasses open doors into cars, and even was broadsided by a lady going 40 mph once. However, there happens to be this aura of dumb around vehicles resulting in a rash of plain bad luck whenever he is around them.

I first started to notice this phenomenon when we lived in Kansas City. We only had one car and after the lady broadsided him we had to go buy a new one. So we get this cute little Dodge Neon RT. Kitchy little car. One we are taking CS to work (I?m in my PJs as it is 5:00 am) and we stop at the gas station. CS fills the tank, gets back in and the clutch pedal is loose. Two weeks after we bought the car the clutch cable spontaneously breaks. This is the same vehicle that had multiple tire issues (probably from being towed behing a u-haul 1/2 way across the country full of junk that wouldn?t fit in the u-haul). The same car CS later ran into a pole in our parking garage and the same car he traded for the mother of all lemons… the Jetta.

The Jetta was doomed from the instant we drove it off the lot. Within the first week of owning it someone opened their door into it. I think he may have also hit a pole in the same parking garage with this car too. This is the car that was hit by the dumbass in the roundabout. When he got the car fixed at the collision place they over sprayed the paint onto the window. The heated seats caught on fire in the Jetta. While CS was driving. CS rolled down the back passenger window in Vancouver, BC once and it got stuck down. This is the same seal that later went bad flooding the interior of the car. We had a rental for 3 weeks as a result. And in the end something was wonky with the engine, but the mechanic could never figure it out. We traded it for the Tuscon.

Since purchasing the Tuscon CS has started driving my bug. I figured it was too difficult to get small child in and out of the back of a Beetle so we switched. In the 4 years I have owned my bug I have not had a single issue with it. Regular oil changes are about all the maintenance I?ve done. I did have a flat tire and I did bust the windshield with a 4×4, but it is a great little car.

So this fall we are sitting in the living room and the bug?s alarm goes off. No one is breaking into it so we didn?t think anything of it. A few days later he notices the whole trunk is wet. We later find out that the seal around the 3rd break light is bad and water is leaking into the hatch and shorted out the electro-magnetic lock causing the alarm to go off. $400 later the thing is fixed.

Fast forward to this morning. CS goes out to the car to leave for work. He rolls down the window to get the wet off so he can see out. Window doesn?t come back up. Crunching broken glass sounds are heard in the door. This really can?t be good. Either the window somehow got pinched and broke or the window was broken to begin with before he rolled it down. To CS?s credit I am referring back to my conspiracy theory and saying the car was vandalized and the window was broken. However, no rocks were found in or outside of the car. The glass guy is coming tomorrow to fix it along with the windshield that I broke.

I have no clue what the issue is with CS and cars but it must be somewhere along the lines of the sign that pops up on the front of any car I drive. You know the one… that says, “if you are a moron cut me off.”

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