Mommy Wars: Primal Wound

Another topic of debate around the watercooler is the half-wit notion that all adoptees suffer some sort of primal wound. I find this theory the single most offensive thing anyone could ever say to me, my child or my mother. I find it more offensive than my uncle calling me bubble butt and more offensive than any sexual harrasment an office jag off can dish out. To imply that I am somehow damaged by the simple fact of being and adoptee shakes me to the inner core. Hell, just slap a label on me and say I?m going to be an alcoholic because I grew up surrounded by them. Call me dumb because I can?t add 6+8 in my head. (ok, maybe that one was a bad example) But still. I am no less damaged than joe shmo down the street.

I HAVE NO PRIMAL WOUND!!! Maybe I?m the minority in the adoption community. I have certainly started to think that as of late. There are so many outspoken people out there saying how they felt cheated out of a childhood or family, how they are slighted because they didn?t grow up with those who were blood related or that the damage they suffered as a result of being adopted caused them such serious mental trauma they can no longer exist as a functioning member of society. Personally, I feel none of that.

My parents loved me with every ounce of their being. They continue to do this today. Notice I say my parents. I do not qualify them as my “adoptive parents” nor do I even refer to my “birth parents.” If you ask me the man and woman who spent 18 years of my life raising me to be a responsible adult are the ones who get the parent credit here. The other 2 are simply equated to Jane Egg and John Sperm. I don?t know them, I don?t want to know them.

For those who do feel hurt by adoption I am sorry. Maybe there was something your parents could have done differently. The only questions I ever ask my mom are why don?t I ask. Why don?t I want to know? What the heck did she do to make me feel so secure? Oh that?s right… she loved me and was open with me. She didn?t make me feel different because I was adopted. My family didn?t compare me to the rest. Out of 26 cousins, I am the only adoptee.

I tried to pull the “I?m adopted card” with my uncles once. That sooo did not fly with them. They said I was one of them whether I liked it or not. And if you ask me, that isn?t such a bad thing.

1 Comment

  1. Cindy says: Reply

    As a newly adoptive mother you’re blog brought me comfort. How nice to see that you feel so well bonded with your adoptive family. I came across the primal wound concept and have been reading a lot about it. It’s discouraging so much emphasis is placed on the loss and the omnipotent connection between infant and first mother. It conjures up the notion that adoptive moms are second best. While I acknowledge the bond and will help our daughter heal from this loss if she is affected by it, my biggest fear was that she will want to seek out her birth mother when of age, connect with her and minimize the relationship she has with us. I was almost regretting in fact adopting domestically where birth families are readily available.
    THanks for sharing your viewpoint. It was very refreshing.

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