One side effect that I have of depression is a warped sense of reality. I see things a little different than most folks. When I look at the after dinner dishes I don’t see a few plates and cups that need to be placed in the dishwasher. I see a mountainous pile of flatware, glasses, pots and pans that will take me forever to clean up. I don’t see a garden with a few weeds that need to be pulled. I see a never ending battle that will never be won. I see things larger than life, or reality in this case. I lack the ability to break life down into smaller, more manageable, parts.
My house and garden are the biggest culprits of this. My side yard is a mass of knee high grass and weeds that can’t just be mowed over. Under the grass are piles of rocks, bits of wood, pavers and other what nots that I’ve thrown over there. There’s a whole ton of junk that we’ve cleaned out of the garage, but have no way of taking to the landfill. Literally if you mowed my side yard you would find an old and busted lawn mower. But when I look at it I see something that can’t possibly be remedied.
Deep down I know that if I had just a little bit of help and one long weekend I could get my yard and house looking decent enough to tame this beast. I am trying my best to use coping skills, but there are days when the simplest tasks (laundry) are far too daunting. I had to take a moment and count to 10 last night before tackling the dinner dishes. There weren’t really that many.
We are trying a bit of a new approach to helping me have a little more quiet time in the day and it helps a bit. The trusty husband has been putting the boy to bed at night. He is much more calm and collected and it seems to be working. The boy is falling asleep a little quicker and isn’t rocking nearly as much. It may be possible that the boy picks up on my anxiety during bed time and is turning that against me.
For now, I am at least recognizing the issues and working to get them solved. It is a slow process, but I’m determined to get my fun back.