There were so many times during the adoption process that I didn’t think that we’d ever make it through. Somehow I kept going. I kept praying, hoping, wishing and dreaming.
As of late my life has become the land of lost dreams. I seem to have lost my ability to dream. We aren’t talking about Abe Lincoln and I need better sleep type of dreaming, but future dreaming. The part of life that keeps you going every day.
I’m stuck in a rut of life and am starting to dig that hole. We have a lack of funds and that doesn’t help. I’ve gotten to a place where I ask, what’s the point. I don’t want to get my hopes up because it won’t ever happen. Nothing specific. Just anything.
Much like my delusion that church billboards talk to me I also have a notion that Apple somehow installed a psychic user interface. I think my iPod knows something. It keeps playing a song over and over. Then I get hooked on it and I play it over and over. Music is one thing that I rarely get bored with. I will listen to the same CD over and over again. I had 1 Alanis CD in my car’s changer for at least 5 months. Got in my car, you knew that CD #1 was Alanis. The age of the iPod and the shuffle mechanism has changed that.
So this song. It’s called “Faust, Midas and Myself” and it’s by Switchfoot. Have a listen*.
In listening to this song I started to think. What would happen if I did wake up one day and all of my dreams had come true. Would it make me any happier. If I had everything in the world that I ever wanted would I somehow be better off. Not really. It’s the dreaming that makes us whole. The ability to have that excitement is what makes us breathe.
I then thought about what my dreams are. I hadn’t had any for so long I really had to think. There is something that has been pulling at me for quite a while now. I can see it in a memory of little eyes peering at me. Smells, sounds, experiences that I’ll never forget. It is the children I left behind in Russia. I can’t bring them all home, but I can do something to help. I just have to figure out how, and that is the dream. One I actually can make into a reality.
What do you dream about?
*That mp3 plugin took both the trusty husband and I over an hour to figure out.? We are dumb.
Right now my dreams are getting out of debt and financially sound then adopt again. Maybe ten years down the road although I wish sooner. Then going back to China to take Glenys on an homeland tour. I have simple dreams for now, that is all I can afford.
I’ll be back. You don’t want to know what it’s like when you’re over 40.
A dream. One of my dreams is to use my passion for photography, and do something along the lines of the Mei Mei book. Or use the photographs I can take to raise awareness of orphans in the world, of living conditions in the orphanages (clean drinking water?), etc.
I dream of creating notecards, calendars, big prints of China countryside to help fund Love Without Boundaries projects.
I dream of adopting just one more….and we’re not even through this one yet, and the end isn’t even in sight and I’m wondering if we will even survive this horrid wait (we’ve been skipped for our approvals, and we’re at day 118 of our 70-90 day wait).
I dream of being debt free and having enough money to create a fund. A fund that gives grants to families for infertility treatments or adoption.
But each thing is so incredibly huge, but they all start with a step. I’ve been reading a book in my Sunday school class. This week we’re talking about our Vision, our Passion…OUR PURPOSE.
I dream about seeing ALL of Tacoma.
One place at a time.
And I dream of returning to the sanctuary of your garden.
I try to keep myself to smaller dreams, like dreaming of a long weekend along with my husband or actually sleeping through the night. I think once we are mothers, our dreams get transferred onto our children, whether we mean them to or not.
Right now I’m dreaming of Gretchen sleeping through the night and getting a full night’s sleep. Oh, and having Quin potty trained. Those are my short-term dreams (and goals – they will happen!!) Long term? Being out of debt, with the exception of a house payment. Figuring out what I want to do when I “grow up” – I know I have to do something when Gretchen is in preschool, and it will help get us out of debt sooner if I worked more now (although I know I don’t want to stay in engineering). Being able to travel with the kids, just with the husband, and just with some girl friends. Going on a weekend spa trip with the girls. Unfortunately, most of my dreams depend upon me working, and while I’m very fortunate in that I can stay home with the kids right now, it will be a while before I can realize many of my dreams due to financing them.
I’m living mine. My dream then and now was to have a husband to loves me and to have children. We’ve started down that road, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m ignoring the debt for now, as that really isn’t part of my dream. 😉
I dream about having a house again (which involves the dream of actually selling the house we own that is 500 miles from where we live). I want to be settled somewhere. I want to plant things, paint things, put down roots.
I dream about a second child someday and how that might become a reality.
I dream of having a closer relationship with my daughter and having lots of money to help fill her needs. Sadly…as you know, I’m lacking in the green stuff and can only sympathize with how you feel. You saw first hand these tiny forgotten souls and how could that not be haunting. I’m sorry first and foremost for the fact you are so much like me. Things that others mull, we burn and etch into our minds… till we go crazy. Dreaming is good. Never give up any of them. We are blessed beyond measure for the help of people whom gave to bring your son home. Maybe…. some day, you will go back but until then breathe deeply the lushnesses of the gifts you’ve already been given. My heart bleeds for you.
I dream of having a bigger kitchen & a bigger family, I dream of closer & more loving relationships with the family I do have and the power to let go of the family that hurts me.
sometimes I dream of Tom Cruise…. I have a crush
dear friends gave me a silver pin that said “remember to dream” and had a star hanging from it. i wore it all the time! i wore it so much that the clasp got loose and it was lost. i still mourn the loss of that pin…and it happened at least 5 1/2 years ago.
(**if anyone ever finds one, i’ll pay handsomely to replace it! i can’t find it on ebay or from flavia)
i dream, of course, of having d2b home. sometimes even that dream is hard to hold on to…
I just finished reading The Price of Privilege (or something like that), that said more money never made people happier, it just made them feel the same with more money.
Of course, that’s not taking into account adoption costs.
I did just care for a patient who did their invitro in the czech republic because it was cheaper, even with travel costs.
As for the songlines, as I was trying to get pregnant I’d keep hearing this country song about if you’re going through hell, keep on walking…you might get out before the devil even knows you’re there.
Even if the lyrics are cheesy, it had a nice beat 🙂
Right now I dream about winning the lottery, or getting a real craft business off the ground so I don’t have to work anymore. This business of the husband staying home to play all day is for the birds – even if I do get a decent paycheck…
you know, I’m in a bit of a funk…I haven’t figured out what my dreams are…I mean, I have my son now, so the motherhood dream has been fulfilled, but what else? I have to organize my brain a bit. It may take a few drinks…
Elle, what about your “go purple” vision?
Those same little eyes haunt me too, and I know that there really is little I can do about, as I my primary committment is to the children I have. However, I still wish I could do something….
I just wanted you to know that your “go purple” campaign is what gave me the nudge to finally get going on a little project I’ve been toying with for awhile now to raise money for Christmas gifts for some of those kids. I’m starting an etsy store and donating the proceeds. So thanks for the nudge and the inspiration. Maybe we should partner up in some way.
I, too, dream of helping the children in some way that we left behind, Perhaps having the funds to donate a playground to the orphanage someday. I dream of being able to go back to Kazakhstan with my kids. I dream that maybe someday my children will share my dream and adopt from their birth country themselves. I dream of a house with a sunroom. I dream my sister will find someone to sharer her life with. I dream my son will learn to trust and find peace in his heart. I dream my students will believe in themselves. SO MANY of us want to help the kids we left beind. How awesome would it be to combine forces and make a difference – maybe a different one each year. I like the Helen Kller quote, “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much!.”
I feel right now I have no dreams. I am all dreamed out. I do dream of being financially able to take the girls to Ireland, Europe and back to Viet Nam. I guess my dreams are more rapped up in Mimi and cams lives.
I do dream I can get a new purse or some new boots this winter, does that count? And I also dream to loose the 10 pounds I have gained.