I’m going to kiss that helmet a little

My girlfriend, Alicia (aka Tacoma Chickadee), said she was going to start doing roller derby. ?I thought that might be fun seeing as I’m dumb and all (not that roller derby girls are dumb). ?Then I started talking with her about the cost of it all and it was beyond my price range. ?For that much I could play hockey and well… hockey is just better. ?Needless to say I said no.

This week is Spring break. ?The boy is staying two glorious nights with his Auntie. ?To honor the childlessness we went out to “dinner” (I wouldn’t really call it food) and pool at a local tavern with NEAL and Alicia. ?We had to meet a little earlier because it was derby night. ?After 1 very large glass of wine and very little food later I had somehow agreed to go with Alicia to try out roller derby.

Now I’m a pretty good skater. ?On ice that is. ?Any pitfalls that may (or may not) have happened were NOT because I had been previously drinking.

First of all, roller skates weigh a metric ton. ?Have you worn skates outside of 1986? ?I hadn’t. ?Oh mah hell are they heavy.

Second, roller skates don’t slide of the floor. ?Ice skates do. ?Sliding side to side is how you stop.

And third, there is a big fatty rubber thing on the toe of the skate that can be treacherous to anyone who skates while dragging their toe.

I should also say that Alicia and I had a conversation about what to wear (cuz you know I have to look hawt… right) and protective gear. ?She said a helmet and knee pads are handy, but not required. ?In a haste to leave the pub I didn’t grab my helmet (which was in my hockey bag in the back of my truck) and I didn’t have knee pads. ?Alicia wielded the power of her iPhone and informed me that a helmet and knee pads would magically arrive for me to use. ?I was proud, I didn’t want to wear a helmet. ?Once we got there I was convinced otherwise.

I put on the skates and tried to get a feel for them. ?After about a 10 minute warm-up I was mostly good to go. ?I could perform a decent crossover turning left. ?All that time of playing right wing really helped. ?I wasn’t the fastest skater, but I wasn’t bad.

Things were going well until I lost focus… (oh look butterfly!) and started dragging my toe on the turns. ?Dragging toe + giant rubber thing on toe of skate = Elle landing face down on the floor. ?Yep, I’s hit mah head. ?I hit is so hard it dented the foam in the helmet and gave my forehead a nice helmet burn. ?I pretty much laid on the floor for a while trying to determine if everything was still attached and that nothing was broken. ?Had I not been wearing the helmet I would have ended up in the ER.

Now being the moose that I am I shook it off and continued with the remainder of practice. ?I fell again later, but on my knee (also kissing the knee pads). ?This morning I have a raging headache and feel like I’ve been hit by a mac truck.

Will I go back for derby? ?Not sure. ?It was fun, but the prospect of falling down with very little padding on scares the bejeezus out of me. ?I might just stick to co-ed ice hockey. ?It’s safer.