Dear Homeschooling Neighbor Lady;

I truly appreciate that you are in tune to your children’s needs that you feel homeschooling would be the best alternative. We have something in common, you and I. I too find the value in homeschooling a bright and energetic child. However, I have one child. While you on the other hand have somewhere upwards of 12. At last count it was 11, but the other week I saw one of your older children toting about a 12 month old that I didn’t know lived in your home. Now this isn’t to say that the child wasn’t his. It is a distinct possibility, but seeing as I have only seen you from the shoulders up as you scream past my house in your gagillion passenger van, with bad breaks, it might in fact be yours. You might want to check with your OB on that one.

Your van brings me to a point. I can, with explicit detail, describe every single solitary square inch of your van. Why would I be able to do this. I have no windows in my home that gaze upon your oh so disheveled property. Why? Because you race past my house about 40 times a day toting various herds of children to and fro. If you are homeschooling, don’t you actually have to be home to do such? I know that youth activities are an important part of growing up, but activities such as harassing me as I try to weed my garden and wandering barefoot up and down the street don’t really count for the younger ones. And would it kill you to brush their hair and buy them clothing other than pajamas?

That whole homeschool thing is really working out for you. Your kids are so bright your youngest (maybe second to youngest depending on the aforementioned 12th child) spend the majority of the day riding his bike through my yard and saying, “hey I know you.” Yeah kid, you live next door. They also have mad personal relation skillz. The son who was carrying the aforementioned, possibly his, child gives me stink eye, with a glimmer of I’m going to egg your house again bitch, every time he walks one of your 2000 dogs past my house.

Are you aware that your older children play very loud music late at night when you aren’t home? Do you know they are shooting fireworks off illegally right outside my son’s bedroom window? And where the hell are you. It is 9:00 at night. I know you don’t have a job lady. For crissake the highway department should be paying you for job security with all the driving you do.

I like my house. I really want to stay here, but if you don’t get your shit together I’m going to have to consider alternatives to being a nice neighbor. And really… you don’t want that to happen. I’m a woman on the edge.

Your neighbor who actually gives two shits.

15 Comment

  1. Oh, I love a good bitch and moan. That is hilarious.

    It kind of makes me wish I’d hadn’t freely given out my blog info. to anyone who asked. It kind of limits me on the bitch and moan. 🙂

  2. Wendy says: Reply

    We had the same neighbors a while back. Twelve un-tended children, often left wandering in the streets, half dressed, etc. Only difference was they drove an old beat-up limo. It was the only thing they could find and afford to haul 12 kids around. Every day the police, the truancy officer or some other official was at their house. Their two very aggressive pitbulls roamed loose and terrorized the neighborhood. Then one night their house burned to the ground. Everyone got out safely, but we were curious if one of the neighbors finally decided to get rid of them…..Turns out the mom set the fire herself for the insurance money and she is now in jail. This doesn’t help your situation but it does give you something to hope for….

  3. Not laughing…I swear I’m not.

    Bad neighbors suck!

  4. Hilarious. What is with people and why are they allowed to reproduce??

  5. Mom says: Reply

    Once again….Too funny!

  6. DebiP says: Reply

    El I love the good bitch sessions…I hate it when bad things happen to good people and it sounds like you have your share living next door…call the cops anonymously on the fire works we do it all the time…hell do it for the music too…I have a neighbor who is the head of a band that practices every Monday night…they are good but really at 9:30 when my boys are sleeping is not the time to fire up Louie Louie..I have called on them more then once when asking them directly did not work.

    Hopin it gets better for the woman on the edge.

  7. Jenny2 says: Reply

    Bring it, Elle, BRING it.

  8. Jessica says: Reply

    Calling in anonymously sounds like the best bet. Especially if you do it later at night so the calls can’t be pinned down to people who are home during the day. Good luck with these pleasant people!

  9. LOVE IT!

    Wouldn’t feel good to hand deliver that? On second thought you wouldn’t want to be like Lauren and Marco’s crazy, annoying neighbor. Maybe you could start doing all those things back to her….. Good thing you have us to vent to! 🙂

  10. Esther says: Reply

    As I’m recalling your past plights as well with the same family, I’m also laughing my ass off at Wendy’s comments above. The “there’s something to hope for…..”

    Now that’s hysterical. OR should I say “histeriKal”?

  11. -=gathering fresh cat shit, perfect for tossing at neighbors=-

  12. OOh, thanks for reminding me that while my house is nowhere near my dream home, my neighbors and neighbhorhood are awesome and not worth the risk of a move until if and when they all move …

  13. NEAL says: Reply

    And we mean ALL of ’em move.

  14. Jenn says: Reply

    I hate how families like this can really give homeschooling a bad name. Teaching your children at home is not all that easy, your working hard…the children are working hard.

    Goodness, I have 4 little girls and just reading about how much they are out nearly gives me an anxiety attack! Going to go bake my wonderfully nice and normal acting neighbors some cookies or something now.

  15. Jenni says: Reply

    Oh my… She and her children sound lovely…

    If you want help TPing her house, let me know! I’ve even got a carton of eggs which is about to go bad – I’m sure they could be put to good use over there.

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