In the spirit of the Go Fug Yourself girls I found myself in a rather fugly predicament this afternoon. ?Let me start by giving you a little back story.

I have bad eyesight. ?Um… yeah… that’s an understatement. ?Basically, unaided, I can see clearly about 8″ in front of my face and that is about it. ?I am not legally blind, but pretty close to it. ?We were “blessed” when we found out that the trusty husband’s company has the option for vision insurance. ?Since both of us are in need of eye correction it is a necessity. ?In my case more so than his. ?The only problem is that, although we have eye insurance, it is the worst eye insurance in the world. ?They regularly change providers causing us to scramble for a new eye doctor every year. ?It becomes a pain in the ass to tell a new doctor every year that, yes, I’m blind and please don’t laugh at me. ?The other issue is that my?prescription?is only ever good for 1 year. ?My eyes have this nasty habit of getting worse each year.

Needless to say, it’s been over a year since I last visited the eye doctor. ?My?prescription?ran out in January as did my last box of contact lenses. ?I’ve been wearing the same pair of lenses for 4 months now. ?This is the point in which my?ophthalmic?nurse sister-in-law and my mother call me up and chew me out for not taking better care of my eyes. ?Give me a break, I’ve been lazy. ?I knew I needed to go. ?Isn’t that good enough for you? ?Sheesh.

The other bad thing is that the particular kind of contacts that I wear will inexplicably poop out on me. ?It’s like the coating on them simply cannot take it anymore. ?I get a big hazy blotch and the contacts are no longer wearable.

Yesterday I had a massive allergy attack (I don’t know why. ?I’d been taking my child’s allergy medicine). ?While in the midst of my sneezing fits (at the hockey rink) my very last pair of contacts gave up the ghost. ?I had to ask my FIL to drive me back to my house so I could get my glasses. ?That was it. ?I knew I had to give in and see the eye doc. ?I would have gone yesterday, but seeing as I spent the entire day on the couch in a Benadryl induced coma that didn’t happen. ?So I had to go today.

I made the trusty husband look up the new doc (which so happens to be an eye-doc-in-the-box) and make me an appointment. ?Well… he was on the computer and they have an online appointment thingy. ?I sucked it up and went to get new contacts.

Read this line, now take off your glasses… what is the smallest line you can read? ?Me: stunned silence. ?The girl had no clue why I wasn’t answering. ?I had to tell her that I honestly cannot see the big giant E. ?I could tell her it was an E, but only because I knew it. ?Blah blah blah, glaucoma test, better 1, better 2, now wait here.

So I’m sitting in the chair in the waiting room for the optician girl to call my name and doing some mighty fine people watching when all of a sudden it felt a little drafty in the down there area. ?Strange. ?I looked down. ?Maybe I forgot to zip my pants after I went to the bathroom. ?After all, it was a new place and my bladder just had to check out the facilities. ?Nope. ?Pants zipped up tight. ?Although, you could still tell that I was wearing pink underwear. ?How is that you ask? ?Seems as if my pants decided that my hips had simply gotten too big for them and they couldn’t handle the strain any longer and gave out too. ?The stitching came out for 2″ ?from right below the zipper. ?Lovely.

That might explain why one of the boy’s hockey coaches kept staring at me this morning.

7 Comment

  1. Maybe it happened during the sneezing fit, and the blown out contacts actually saved you from embarrassment by causing you to get the heck out of there. Doesn’t help you in the doctor’s waiting room, though, I guess!

  2. Joel413 says: Reply

    Well, you know how “fat” I am, I squatted down to pick up a printer one day (lift with your legs) and split from zipper to waist band, the entire seam just gave up the ghost… at work.. in downtown Seattle… Some staples, duct tape, and a long coat with a 2 block walk down the street later, I bought some new pants. It was the getting from the 5th floor back to my office and long coat on the 12th floor that was the tricky part.

  3. Annie says: Reply

    I laughed, laughed, laughed…. I haven’t even visited my most clostest firends blogs’ lately so it’s been awhile since I visited you – but I love your design! It suits you.

    Skirts are good. I never wear slacks and now I have one more reason. Though…there was the day the elastic gave out on my slip…now I think of it, that was a bit unfortunate.

  4. alicia says: Reply

    And I thought it was bad when I once broke a heel at work …

  5. That happened to me at work. Couldn’t figure out why the nasty yukster kept staring at me down there! Ugh……

  6. I once ended up leaving a public bathroom with the back of my long skirt tucked into my tights. I spent about an hour strolling through downtown Seattle that way until I caught my reflection in a store window. Because it was a loose skirt and I was wearing tights, I didn’t feel any “breeze” on my legs.

    Did I mention that I was job hunting that day? Yeah, I didn’t called back for any of the applications that I dropped off…

  7. Signe says: Reply

    I knew when I read today’s heading that this was gonna be a good one!! All I can say is.. AAAAGGGHHH!! Sorry this happened to you. This is only a funny story because it’s not me, but if it makes you feel any better, the same thing happened to me at a friends baby shower once. My unfortunate seam outage happened in the rear around my fat a*# and I was wearing.. um.. shall we say, “immodest” undergarments for a rear end-wardrobe malfunction.

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