Child 5.0

Much like purchasing a DVD player I’ve been reluctant for the upgrade to Child 5.0. ?My VCR worked just fine and I could record things on it. ?Sure, I had to buy tapes and sometimes they went bad, but I could watch a Monday show on a Wednesday afternoon. ?I was mostly satisfied with Child 4.0. ?There was the occasional freak out mode, but by Child 4.5 that had pretty much been resolved. ?We yanked the plug out of the wall for a few days and it seemed to fix the problem. ?When all else fails there is always the hit it with a hammer approach. ?Luckily we didn’t have to resort to that.

I tried to convince the child unit that I would like to just recycle my Child 4.0 model, but it insisted that Child 5.0 would be much better and said, “I will try not to be crabby, mommy.”

We still seem to have the “Ultimate Edition” of the child unit. ?Although it does not have a fully functioning self computing plug-in yet the framework has been built. ?Now it’s just a matter of testing the bugs to make the plug-in fully functional. ?The advanced problem solving algorithm is a hit and miss feature with this particular model. ?This feature only works when it suits the unit. ?It can solve complex equations such as, “how many places sell dryers* so that I can list them all for my “rewards” list for reading.” ?However an equation such as, “you left a toy somewhere you go find it right there in front of your face” leave the unit stymied.

The mealtime function of the child unit is working splendidly. ?It is a little slow to respond, but repeated clicking seems to get it going again.

Bugs with this model include an advanced sass feature and a passive aggressive sulk and pout mechanism. ?Since we’ve seen worse with Toddler 3.0 so we are ignoring them for the time being. ?We are hoping that the advanced problem solving algorithm will kick in eventually.

Unexpected features include self cleaning of the rear disposal unit and a desire to clean feeding time implements. ?We will be encouraging these behaviours.

Glitches include a shriek and scream feature when in the presence of any multi-legged being. ?For a while we thought our unit had been replaced with a female unit, but we were proved wrong during the clean cycle.

Peripherals for this unit include a multitude of hats and an over abundance of pine cones. ?All trains and wheeled vehicles have been set aside for a field guide to Pacific Northwest native plants.

The picking out his own shirt feature has been disabled except on days when there is no school. ?However, on the days there is no school the unit prefers to wear sweatpants, especially a pair of blue and red plaid PJ pants.

I was reluctant to upgrade to the Child 5.0 model. ?They are larger and louder than previous versions. ?After living with one for a day I am beginning to see what all the hype was about. ?We believe it has great promise and will leave all previous models in the dust. ?Kinda like Windows 7.


*A proper functioning reward for the unit is to go to an establishment that sells washers and dryers so that he may inspect all of them.

11 Comment

  1. Happy 5 to the boy!!!

  2. Lena says: Reply

    Happy 5th Birthday to O!

  3. mom says: Reply

    Happy birthday O! I love the number 5… tried calling several times today to no avail. Wanted the child to hear Babada sing Happy B day in her oh so beautiful way. Lucky for him I’ll be drowned out on Sunday. 😉

  4. mom says: Reply

    PS loved this post!

  5. DebiP says: Reply

    you have such a great way of describing each and every age…Happy 5.0.. O…Griff is right behind you….and his momma likes this upgrade too!!

    From one momma a Russian Prince to another….we are a proud passionate bunch…God was so good to us!!

  6. Auntie G says: Reply

    I have loved each version of Child and every upgrade is getting better and better. I especially love the “it’s because I Love You” function that’s been installed.

  7. Aunt Jan says: Reply

    Happy Birthday Oleg!! I think that 5 is a fine age to be.

    Please tell him that Aunt Jan will be sending some Birthday Money all his own to spend. Give him a hug from us. Love to you all, Aunt Jan

  8. Lauren says: Reply

    I always love these posts.

  9. Lee says: Reply

    Happy Birthday nephew! Hope our card arrived before or one the big day. One more birthday surprise coming on party day. I too, have loved each and every “upgrade” model and can’t wait to see what comes next! Along with Auntie G, I too, love the unsolicited “I love you so much” ‘s and unasked for kisses. This “model” excels in the love department.
    Auntie Lee

  10. Kathou says: Reply

    Happy, happy birthday Oleg… xxx

  11. olga vladimirsky says: Reply

    Happy Birthday Oleg!

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