Everyone has hounded me to buy one of those light therapy things if I’m not going to take medication for my SAD.  I’ve avoided it mostly because I’m lazy and didn’t have the attention span to sit down and find one.  When I did start looking all I found were horribly expensive gigantic boxes of light that you had to sit in front of for 30 minutes a day to reap any benefits.  The only place I sit for 30 minutes at a stretch is my computer and my desk isn’t nearly big enough to accomodate one of those giant monsters.  And did I mention they were expensive?

My depressive episode a few weeks ago (in AUGUST!) caused me to rethink my opposition to light therapy.  Not that it really was that much of an opposition.  I did some looking and still found that most of the lights were either giant or cost prohibitive.  I mean honestly… $200+ for an ugly table lamp.  $200 would get me 2 1/2 acupuncture treatments or 5 therapy sessions (my portion after insurance and deductible).  I couldn’t justify spending that much on a light.

I kept looking.  On page 4 of The Googles I found this little company called Verilux.  They had tons of stuff for healthy living using light.  Better yet, they had a little light with a little price tag.  Better yet!  They take paypal.

So 2 weeks ago (prior to writing this post) I ordered the Happy Lite Mini Ultra Full Spectrum Glee-a-tron 5000.  But I’m cheap so I only paid for ground shipping.  I had to wait 2 looooong weeks for it to arrive.  Good news is it arrived today.  And my UPS guy comes in the morning (unlike the postman) so I go to open my fancy new Glee-a-tron 5000 and take it for a test spin.

I had to put it together myself but it cost a little less.

Once I figured out how to assemble it I plugged it in and holy hell that thing is bright.  The recommended lux for a light therapy lamp is 10,000.  Mine is only 5000.  So I have to sit in front of it for longer.  It has two settings; bright and burn your retinas out.  And there are “warnings” about light therapy that it has been known to cause mania (in those with that type of depression) if exposed to it for too long.  Don’t worry, I’ll be a safe and “sane” user, but I’m half tempted to push the envelope just so I can get some shit done around here.

I feel the need to take a moment to explain a little bit about my depression.  I’ve mentioned before what I have is called Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It is an extremely treatable form of depression (if you live somewhere like Arizona).  Sadly (or not so sadly) I don’t live in Arizona.  I live in Washington.  State.  As in the land of perpetual rain.  And damp.  And cold.  We have 8ish months of crappy weather and 2 months of somewhat decent weather.  And 2 weeks (if we’re lucky) of downright live without pants hot.  We are also in the northern part of the country where (in the summer) we get about 16 hours of sunlight a day and consequently (in the winter) 16 hours of darkness.  If you will also recall I don’t do well with excessive sunlight.  Odd, since sunlight is the “cure” for SAD.

The majority of my readers are not from Washington so you have no clue as to what the current weather patterns have been like around here.  Essentially we have just started Summer.  As in yesterday.  When the official start of summer happened.  It has been cold, wet and downright unpleasant around here.  I should have a garden full of snap peas and my dahlia’s should be at least 2′ high by now.  I have nothing.

So to recap that first part rain+lack of sunlight+summer abruptly starting=someone turning on the light switch for 16 hours straight and screwing me all kinds of up.

I was talking to the trusty husband about how people get so concerned when I write about depression.  He said, “what they don’t understand is that it is 10 times better than it used to be.”

He is spot on.  If I look back at what my life was like one year ago… well, it wasn’t pretty.  It was almost a year ago that I started acupuncture treatments.  It has been a long year and the treatments have gone well.  About 5 months ago the acupuncturist said she felt that we had a good handle on my emotional issues and that we could move on to other things.  She was right.  I only have about 1 bad day a month.  Considering it used to be only one good week a month things have improved.  I consider it a victory.

I write about my depression because I want people to know that it still effects me.  It likely always will, but I have a handle on things that I’m comfortable with.

For the past two weeks I have been right on the verge of tears.  For no particular reason really.  No major life traumas (well unless you count that I turn 32 in 3 days thing).  It isn’t a “hormonal” time for me.  My craptastic day was Tuesday before last.  That one where I wanted to kill everything that moved.

This is something else.  Maybe it’s the culmination of life smacking me square in the jaw.  Husband always out of town, child missing his father and taking it out on me, Little electing to not call (thanks for the advice on calling the hospital, but that isn’t how this situation works*), brother in trouble, in need of a vacation, and all the other life responsibilities that I don’t want to deal with but have no choice.  Like turning 32 in 3 days.

I was watching When We Left The Earth earlier and started crying.  The first time astronauts orbited the moon they took video of the Earth rising.  And as they transmitted the film back to Earth they read from the first chapter of Genesis.  The creation story.  (Which I fully believe is simply a story and I am soooo not in the mood to debate creationism with you.)  But it made me cry.  Because the Earth was good.  And we’re destroying it.  (Nor would I like to go on a tirade about any inconvenient truths or how we should all be saving our plastic bags for the end of civilization)

See stupid shit like that makes me cry.  It’s driving me nuts.  (Please also don’t give me crap about hormonal.  It’s not that)

I just want it to be less hard.  I don’t want things to be easy.  (Ok, maybe some things)  I just am tired of working so fricken hard for everything and getting no where.

Maybe the tea (that I don’t drink often enough) isn’t working anymore.  Maybe I just need a nice relaxing vacation (that I can’t afford) to some place that isn’t going to rain.  Or maybe I just need to crawl into bed and cry like a baby until my face is swollen.  (and please don’t tell me I need therapy or those god forsaken drugs.  What I need is that vacation)

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*Little frequently elects to cut us out of her life.  It is my deduction that this is the case this time.  She’ll call when she needs something.

**and Mother, please don’t call to ask me how I’m feeling.  Shitty.  There’s your answer.  Shitty and I don’t want to talk about it.