• Bitch & Moan
  • Technology strikes again

    I am married to a nerd. ?I don’t feel bad calling him out on the interwebz because he is fully aware of his nerdyness. ?As a child the trusty husband would take computers apart for fun. ?Ask the trusty MIL about the time he did something to their computer during mid-terms during her masters coursework and she had to wake him up to fix it. ?No technological upgrade in our house comes without a price. ?It has been well documented on various blogs (here, here, here and here). ?I may pay the price for all of this work, but in the end it is pretty cool. ?My computer is custom built and our TV set-up is da bomb. ?It does come with written instructions for all babysitters, but it’s all good. ?I can stream Netflix, Hulu and LastFM from my computer to the TV. ?I have a DVR, Wii and Xbox. ?There are benefits to having a nerdy husband.

    Last week the trusty husband finally received a bonus from work. ?It has been a very long time since he’s received a bonus or a merit increase (thankyouverymuch a-hole ex-president). ?My husband works his ass off. ?He never fully takes a vacation. ?He is forever checking his email on his phone and does it all with such grace it is amazing. ?So when he found out he was going to get this bonus he said he was going to buy himself a new TV. ?He is horribly jealous of anyone who has a flat screen TV. ?I was ok with the purchase. ?It wasn’t my money to spend so why not.

    Let’ take a moment to also note that along with the nerdyness, my husband is a cheap Swede. ?This isn’t derogatory, just a fact of life.

    Here’s where buying a TV gets painful.

    Our entertainment center was not large enough to hold a new 42″ television thus requiring the purchase of a new entertainment center. ?Trusty husband looks online and finds what he thinks will work. ?Being the cheap Swede that he is cheap Swedish furniture is an excellent compromise. ?Last Thursday we head north to the big blue building where you get to keep your pants on*. ?When seeing the new entertainment center in person I hemmed and hawed over it. ?I wasn’t sure. ?I caved, but made a few add-on adjustments like drawers and doors. ?Read: I spent more money. ?We walked out having spent more money than he was originally anticipating. ? He pretty much had a panic attack the rest of the night.

    By Friday he had recovered because that was TV buying day. ?In addition to the TV he also purchased a blueray player. ?I spent the afternoon at the church preparing for a fundraiser dinner that was Saturday night. ?When I got home the trusty husband had assembled the entertainment center and I had to do the adjoining book case. ?No prob. ?I’m pro at IKEA furniture. ?I slap together the book case and drawers. ?We go to put on the doors, but have to move the drawer hardware up because I had it in the wrong spot. ?Then we went to put in the drawers. ?They didn’t fit. A 20 minute discussion argument over doors and drawers ensued. ?Screw it and move on. ?I just want to watch TV. ?The Canada vs. Slovakia hockey game was on and I was missing it.

    We get the TV mounted in the cabinet. ?(It is slightly crooked, but we are trying to ignore that for the time being) ?We start putting other stuff into the cabinet. ?Blueray player, check. ?Xbox… feck. ?It doesn’t fit into the spot we wanted it to go. ?Try the cable box in that spot. ?Nope. ?Does the stereo (which pretty much controls all of the sound for all of this stuff) fit? ?Nope. ?Danger! Danger! ?Elle is over tired, sore from standing all day and missing a very important hockey game. ?I gave up and went to bed.

    Where we stand at the moment is more cables had to be purchased. ?The trusty husband also has to purchase a USB hub because apparently I either sold our extra one in a garage sale or it was in a box that went to the Goodwill. ?How was I supposed to know we’d need that? ?We had to move the stereo to the book case and cut a hole in the back so the cables will come out. ?He has to extend all of the speaker wire because it won’t reach the stereo. ?We have to return the doors we purchased for the cabinet and purchase two more drawers and to run the whole shebang we still need a PhD.

    Basically, purchasing a new TV was a complete disaster with the exception that the picture is utterly amazing. ?We keep putting DVDs in the player just to see the difference. ?The new Star Trek in high def on a blueray player is almost as good as in the theater. ?Now if we only had surround sound**…


    *Years ago there was a radio commercial for IKEA and they were giving directions. ?They were it’s the big blue building where you get to keep your pants on, not the big white building where you have to take your pants off (the neighboring hospital)

    **When we had our house re-roofed last fall all of the banging around loosened the surround sound speakers from the housings and one fell out and was hanging by the wires. ?I didn’t want to leave it like that so I pulled it down. ?When I did that I broke a connector so we also need new surround sound speakers.

  • Bitch & Moan
  • They are everywhere

    A few months ago the trusty husband and I sat down and had a conversation that I wasn’t planning on having. ?We were out for happy hour sans small child and somehow the conversation turned to having more children. ?We both agree that more would be nice. ?However, we are not in a position to say, “yes, let’s do that.” ?In 2008 we spent another 6 months trying to get pregnant. ?Did I tell you that? ?I don’t remember. ?We did, it didn’t work. ?When we started he asked me how long we are going to try for. ?I didn’t have an answer. ?I figured we would try until either it worked (HA HA) or until I couldn’t stand the disappointment anymore. ?We went with the latter.

    In our conversation we both agreed that trying to have a biological kid, yeah not so much good for us. ?We aren’t going to try that anymore. ?That pretty much leaves adoption for us and well… we can’t afford that. ?Whee! ?We got a dog instead. ?Obligatory we can’t have a kid dog?

    I’m ok with where we are right now. ?I’m ok with not having a biological child. ?Obviously, I adopted. ?I’m ok with putting plans to adopt another child on hold for the moment. ?I would like to do it without huge amounts of debt. ?What I haven’t done is gone through the process of grieving my infertility.

    No, I have not gone through the process of full on infertility testing. ?I don’t want to do it because I find it totally hypocritical that our insurance will pay 80% of the testing but 0% of the treatment. ?The other reason is I don’t believe in artificial reproductive therapy. ?So why go through the testing to find out something is wrong, but not follow through with the treatment? ?I know what is wrong with me. ?I have fibroids. ?I have an ovary that was cauterized from endometriosis treatment and I don’t know if it functions properly. ?I have scar tissue from having a lime sized tumor cut out of my uterus. ?I have issues people. ?It’s all a mess up in there.

    That doesn’t mean that I’m not mad about the whole thing. ?Why did I have to get tumors? ?Why did I have to have very severe endometriosis? ?Why can’t I have a baby and my girlfriends are on #2 or #3? ?Boo frickedy hoo, why me?

    I’m stuck between this rock and a hard place. ?On one hand I know I can’t have more children right now and I want them, but I also don’t want to go through the “I did all I could do” stuff people go through. ?It leaves me in a bit of a pickle.

    Here’s the catch. ?Have you noticed? ?There are pregnant people everywhere. ?Well that’s a big fat duh. ?Seriously. ?Every.where. ? Get invited to a party – pregnant chick. ?Find a new funny blog to read – written by a pregnant chick. ?Log in to Facebook – pregnant friend. ?Preschool mom – pregnant. ?I can’t get away from them.

    Sure, I want to grieve my infertility. ?I’ve been trying. ?I’ve been trying to move past this. ?It’s just that giant green monster of jealousy that eats at my very soul. ?One girlfriend who understands might do the trick. ?One who listens and ends up pregnant and calls to talk to me before blabbing it all over Facebook first. ?One who calls to say, “hey I know you are having a rough go at it but I just wanted you to know that so and so is pregnant and will be there on Sunday.” ?One who gets it. ?That’s great for you that you are having baby #20, but I’m not and I’m not really happy for you, I’m totally jealous.

  • Bitch & Moan
  • Olympics Fail

    We all know my love for Winter Olympics. ?It’s not just that I love sports such as luge, bobsleigh, skeleton, or curling. ?I do loves me some curling. ?The Winter Olympics is home to gems such as snowboard half-pipe and of course… hockey.

    I have been eagerly waiting for the start of the 2010 Winter Olympics since it was announced way back when. ?In 2006 I swore I was going to save my money and buy tickets for the entire hockey tournament in 2010. ?I had grand plans of living in Vancouver the whole time and living hockey. ?Then we found out that Americans couldn’t buy tickets unless we drove up to Vancouver and waiting in line. ?Even then we weren’t guaranteed to get tickets. ?Our Canadian friends even tried to get tickets. ?They couldn’t because they didn’t live IN Canada. ?My Olympic hopes were dashed.

    I had (begrudgingly) come to grips with my disappointment and moved on to excitement of watching the Olympics on TV. ?That was also a huge disappointment. ?The first clue in there was when the opening ceremonies were on tape delay. ?We live 2 hours away from Vancouver, but we were watching the ceremonies on a 3 hour delay. ?Such is the rest of the network coverage. ?What’s worse is that CBC lost their bid for coverage to a station that isn’t shown here. ?So we can’t even get the Canadian coverage.

    The other night the trusty husband came home to say Lindsay Vonn had won the gold in Women’s Downhill. ?Ok. ?That left me men’s snowboard half-pipe that night. ?I tuned in for the quarterfinals and the trusty husband and I got to talking about some of the hockey games. ?I logged on to NBColympics.com and the first thing on the front page, “SHAUN WHITE WINS GOLD.” ?Well shit. ?So we watched something that was Tivoed.

    Yesterday I checked the listings for Sunday’s hockey games. ?WTF? ?Outside of the the gold medal game the two best games of the entire tournament were happening on Sunday. ?Russia vs. Czech Republic and USA vs. Canada. ?The Russia v. Czech game was scheduled for 12:00 p.m. ?TV coverage? ?Didn’t start until 3:00. ?3 hour delay. ?That was ok since I had a meeting at 12:15. ?I did some yard work and came in to watch the game and had planned to flip back and forth once the US v. Canada game started. ?At 4:30 it was the end of the 2nd in Russia v. Czech so I turned to the US/Canada game. ?On the screen… the final score of the Russia/Czech game. ?feck.

    The only thing that is keeping me from beating NBC programming execs to a pulp is that they showed the US/Canada game live. ?However, in my opinion the West coast coverage of the Olympics is one giant FAIL!

  • Bitch & Moan
  • I swear this stuff only happens to me

    I know we’ve all had our fair share of crappy days.? Here is a typical yesterday for me.

    The trusty husband has been out of town since Sunday.? This left me and the boy alone… for a week.? We are both still alive as of this writing.? Yesterday was slightly questionable.

    The boy and I both got out of bed when the dog started barking.? 7:00 a.m.? That was nice.? Usually she starts barking 10 minutes before the alarm goes off.? The boy goes into the bathroom.? A few minutes later I hear, “mom, I need your help.”? Due to some stickage the boy peed down his leg and all over his pjs.? I said accidents happen and sent him off to find sweats.? We found sweats (that were too small because I haven’t don’t laundry all week).? The child put them on, but then started saying he wanted a different shirt because his pj shirt didn’t match his sweats.? I told him no because he was just going to have to change again after breakfast.? To this he started screaming.? Of course he did, I hadn’t had coffee yet.? We argued about that for a while until I told him just to get dressed for the day, but he had to pick out clothes because for the love of god I needed coffee.

    Coffee brewing I sit down to watch exactly 2 seconds of the morning “news” (GMA doesn’t exactly count as news).? Then there was more screaming from behind his closed bedroom door.? I asked what now and his issue was that he couldn’t get his jeans snapped.? Instead of asking for assistance like a normal human being he became Screamasaurus, the evil child that makes your ears bleed.? This went on for 10 minutes.

    I finished making breakfast and finally had my coffee in hand and my day could finally begin.? We manage (mostly) to get through breakfast.? I go to do my morning work blog reading and the boy does his homework.? Yes, there is homework in preschool.? I tell him it is time to go to school and to put socks and shoes on.? He goes through 3 pair of socks to find ones he can get on his feet, complaining the entire time.? I threaten to send him to school without shoes or socks unless he gets them on now.? *ching* another point for parent of the year.

    9:00 we finally leave the house (10 minutes late)

    We walk in the door at school and I notice the cart of lunchboxes.? Frick.? It’s lunch day.? Every Wednesday is lunch day.? The boy looks so sad and I send him off to class promising him a lunch *ching ching* 2 points.

    I run upstairs to drop off my stuff in my office (holla! I have an office now) and notice the bag of leftover communion bread sitting on the counter.? I had planned to run to the grocery and find something for the child, but hells no, I’m gonna raid the church kitchen.

    I throw together a lunch of a PBJ sandwich (complete with concecrated challah bread, goldfish crackers, animal crackers, a capri sun I found in the fridge and 1/4 of the pear I brought for my own snack.? Hey, at least I brought food for someone.? I later find out that the child ate the entire lunch.

    We get home and I decide that I’m going to try to finish the skirt I started earlier this week and try to finish the blouse that goes with it so I have a nice new outfit to wear to work tomorrow.? I spend the afternoon cutting out fabric, and start on the hem of my skirt.? All of a sudden the needle goes over a pin and hits it in the wrong spot.? Snaps the needle, bends the shit out of the pin and then the worst happens.? I dislodge everything and the broken tip of the needle falls into the sewing machine.? Now this isn’t the free serger we are talking about here.? This is the very nice sewing machine I purchased 3 years ago for a hefty sum of money.? I clear everything from the machine and go to take out the broken needle.? As I use a dime (I can’t find my sewing machine screwdriver) to loosen the needle screw the needle bar moves to the left.? That’s not supposed to happen.? I spent the next hour totally taking apart my sewing machine to try to fix it, but no luck.? It is busted.? I even tried walking away and coming back to it. Nope.

    I pack the boy and my sewing machine into the car and drive off to the fabric store.? I showed the machine to the Viking lady.? She does all the same stuff I did with equally crappy results.? It needs service.? Service=money.? Did I mention that our chocolate fridge died last week?? Even worse, the repair guy won’t be back until the 7th meaning I won’t get my machine back until the 21st at the earliest.? No new outfit for me.

    The rest of the evening was mostly ok.? I fed the child frozen mac n’ cheese and I ate leftover pizza.? I laid on the couch with my laptop and watched one of the greatest movies in the world.

    I swear this stuff only happens to me.

  • Bitch & Moan
  • shitty ending to an otherwise lovely day*

    *Now with photographic enhancements (see below)

    I did something totally out of the ordinary for me. ?I took the initiative and invited a mom and her son over for a playdate today. ?I’m not really the playdate kinda mom. ?I was raised in the world of go outside and make friends in your neighborhood. ?Today, play is scheduled and contrived. ?However, I get along really well with this mom and since I can’t work in the afternoons because if I turn my back on the dog she will tear my house apart, I get bored. ?I was craving adult conversation so I invited her and her son over.

    Now you are asking, where is she going with this?

    Hold on, I’ll get there.

    So playdate. ?Done and done. ?Lovely time. ?Trusty FIL calls and asks if we would like to have dinner. ?Sure! ?I don’t really want to cook so why not. ?They arrive, lovely dinner. ?We peruse the mall and the boy gets a new stuffed dog, I get a new dress for the upcoming fancy dinner. ?Lovely in-laws they are. ?On the way home I ask the (in this case not so) trusty husband if he remembered his keys. ?I actually said it as kind of a joke. ?He felt around in his pockets. ?No… ?? ?WTF NO? ?No? ?you never forget your keys. ?”don’t you have yours he asks?” ?Um, hello, am I driving the car? ?Do I ever have my keys when I’m not driving? ?Hells no. ?No keys.

    This is the point where all of the strangers and stalkers take note. ?90% of the time our back bathroom window is open. ?It is the laundry room/cat room and often smells bad so we just keep the window ajar (with the ajar lock on of course). ?However, December was an unusually cold month and I (in my infinite wisdom) closed it. ?And locked it. ?Of course then there was that time on New Year’s Day when I tried to set my oven on fire and we opened every window in the house, but then we closed them all once the air had cleared… and locked them.

    The trusty FIL, the (not so) trusty husband and I jimmied every screen off trying to find an unlocked window. ?Nada. ?Then we contemplated which window would be cheapest to break. ?The consensus was the back bathroom window, but I talked them out of it. ?Gawd I’m dumb. ?Finally we called a locksmith. ?30 minutes of sitting in the car with a getting tired and really loud little boy the dude showed up. ?$35 just to show up at our house + another $179 to break into our house. ?Of course (again in my infinite wisdom) I bought a high quality lock when we rekeyed our house so the guy had to drill out the doorknob.

    If that wasn’t enough we went to pay the guy and his credit card machine was broken. ?He couldn’t have told us that on his way here so while we were waiting we could have gone to get some cash? ?Um no. ?So cash was procured and the guy was finally paid. ?Now we have to go buy a new doorknob on top of everything else. ?Because I sure as hell wasn’t spending the $90 that rip-off artist wanted to charge me for a new knob. ?Fucker. ?Yeah, I said it.


  • Bitch & Moan
  • The truth about kids and dogs

    Busy is and will be a blessing to our family. ?In time she will teach the child about patience and problem solving skills. ?She is very active and needs to be walked every day so she’ll be a great source of exercise for both me and the trusty husband. ?However, she came at a horrible time. ?We are trying to ignore that part and look at the good stuff, but this morning I locked myself in my bedroom to cry for a little while.

    On the annoying scale the child has far surpassed the dog. ?Because of his sensory issues (mainly the smelling thing) he almost always refuses to touch the dog. ?He absolutely refuses to touch her when any food is involved. ?She wants to smell what he is eating too and tries to get up on the chair or couch when he’s eating. ?He refuses to push her away which results in the most annoying sound in the world, my child yelling over and over and over and over again, “BUSY NOOOO.” ?He repeats every command we give her. ?Busy out, Busy leave it, Busy no, Busy off. ?When we tell him to stop his response is, “weeeell, I’m the one in charge of the dog.” ?Fine child, if you are in charge of the dog you can go into the yard and clean up the poop that you keep walking in and then tracking into the house. ?I swear there is stealth poop out there.

    The good news is the dog is about 97% potty trained. ?We still have to get up in the wee hours of the morning to let her out and then she thinks that it’s time to play. ?We have not gotten her kennel trained yet (at all). ?She still harasses the cats. ?The cats fall just below the child on the annoying scale. ?The old stupid one growls at the dog if she comes within 10 feet of her. ?The only person not annoying in the house is the trusty husband. ?Although he’s been studying for a test so he hasn’t had time to be annoying.

    To top all of this off I’m quite sick. ?As in my sinuses are filled with nasty green stuff, I occasionally hack up a lung and I feel like I’m going to throw up all of the time. ?I really just want to lay on the couch and sleep, but I have to get up every 2 seconds to spray a cat, dog or child with the spray bottle. ?I need a super soaker that reaches further so I don’t have to get up.

    This all may sound like one big giant bitch and moan, but I want to assure everyone (read: my MIL who bought me the dog) that it is mostly about me being sick. ?I do really well with the juvenile factor of my house when I’m feeling good. ?This is the second time this month that I’ve been sick and it is totally because of stress and lack of sleep. ?The smart thing to do would be to lay around for a while and rest. ?4 days before Christmas yeah, wight. ?I have 2 projects to finish and a little bit of Christmas shopping to do, not to mention 4 gifts to make. ?Merry effing Christmas.

  • Bitch & Moan
  • What a Crock

    Although we’ve had many comments about how cute the boy is and that we should seriously think about getting him an agent I’d never given it a serious thought. ?I wasn’t feeling well one day and somehow happened upon a gawd awful show about how there are some mothers who pimp their kids out at every given opportunity. ?It was about pageants. ?I loathe children’s pageants.

    I admit, my kid is cute. ?Cuter than most, but I’m his mom and a little biased.

    I was at a playdate on Thursday afternoon and the mom mentioned that she entered her son in the Gap Casting Call contest. ?The competitive side of me took over and when I got home I was compelled to enter.

    I carefully selected a photo (that we had taken), filled out the entry form and thought I read the rules. ?I did. ?I read the rules. ?I’d like to think I’m an informed individual.

    Friday night I received an email saying that our entry had been approved and that we should forward it to all of our friends and family. ?Being the ultra competitive person that I am I held off posting about it and didn’t forward the email to anyone who I knew had a child in my son’s age group (baby boy, even though he turns 5 before the contest ends). ?Yes, I’m that competitive. ?I was the good mom and voted for my child and then I took a look at the other contestants (my kid is so the cutest). ?This is where I noticed that things were not going to be fair.

    I’m not exactly sure when the “casting call” portion started. ?I do know that entries will be taken through October 22nd (I was totally going to forward that email and post about this on Friday… yes, competitive). ?While looking I noticed a button that said, see the current fan favorite or something like that. ?At this point I should back up and mention that the contestant with the most votes (fan favorite) gets a trip to Jamaica. ?Yes, I am totally trying to make up for that time I got slighted by United Airlines when they stole 43,000 air miles from me (that would have bought me a ticket to Jamaica). ?Anyway, I look at the kid with the most votes and that kid already has 23,000 votes. ?He isn’t nearly as cute as my kid. ?But 23,000 votes?! ?Those people are TOTALLY cheating. ?Evidently, fan favorite voting starts once your child is entered. ?So if you don’t enter until the week before the contest ends you are a week or more down on voting. ?It isn’t a fair playing field. ?Here’s another thing. ?You can enter the contest more than once. ?There are kids on their with 5 entries and all of those entries have over 1000 votes each.

    Now the part that really really really pisses me off is this. ?I did my duty and forwarded the email AND voted for my own kid (obviously), but when I clicked on the link in the email today… it didn’t work. ?I searched for the boy’s ID number, “no such match” ?My member name, “no such match.” ?I am totally getting screwed here or that damn contest is rigged. ?I tried to email the contest people to say, what the hell! and I got an auto reply directing me to the FAQ portion of their page. ?I have a FAH-Q for you people of the Gap Casting call.

    Come on. ?Have a fair contest. ?I’ve been accused of cheating in my time, but not when it comes to something like this. ?My cheating days are trying to dupe my Grandma out of matchsticks while playing 21. ?Oh come on, like you’ve never tried to swindle your Granny.

    Now I’ve probably shot myself in the foot for posting this ranty little bit for any future hope of winning the legit portion of the contest, but honestly, isn’t this just the cutest damn kid you’ve ever seen?

  • Bitch & Moan
  • Just, wow

    Last night we were sitting around the table waiting for the boy to finish his dinner when the trusty husband picked up the Washington State Voter’s Pamphlet and began to flip through it. ?He stopped to read something and then looked at me. ?”I am going to ask that you don’t read the statement against Referendum 71,” he calmly stated. ?Of course that meant I HAD to read it. ?Being the anti-news person that I am I had no clue what Ref. 71 was. ?He mentioned that it was a revision to the domestic partnership law that WA had passed a while ago. ?A measure that I whole heartedly supported at the time.

    This go around it is just a few minor revisions to the wording of the law. ?Basically, it makes the wording a little more gender neutral giving same sex partners a few more rights than before. ?Things like sick leave for a partner, custody in the event of a disillusionment and worker compensation and unpaid benefits upon a partner’s death. ?What it DOES NOT do is redefine marriage in Washington State. ?That is very clearly stated in the wording of the referendum.

    I begged the trusty husband to give me the voter’s pamphlet so I could see for myself what he didn’t want me to see. ?As he begrudgingly handed it over he said, “I warned you.”

    Let’s start by mentioning that the against statement has 4 exclamation points in it. ?I’m actually surprised that it wasn’t written in ALL CAPS BOLD AND UNDERLINED!!! Then they really could get their point across.

    Next, we’ll break down what is basically causing me to have an aneurism.

    “SB 5688 is primarily about homosexual marriage – not benefits.”

    The text of the explanitory statement says, “If approved, the measure would not change the statute defining marriage under Washington law. A domestic partnership would not be within the definition of marriage, which would continue to be limited to one man and one woman.”

    Oh it gets better…

    The against statement goes on to say, “Marriage between one man and one woman is the foundation for civilized societies and has been for centuries. Marriage does not exist just for the emotional satisfaction of two individuals, but for the greater good of the social order. Marriage is about providing the most stable and healthy environment in which to raise children.”

    ah, buh, AH! ?For the good of the order. ?For the CHILDREN! ?Think about the children. Because nobody with a gay parent has ever amounted to anything (*cough* Rene Russo, Anne Heche, Ally Sheedy *cough*) ?or a single parent for that matter (Hello, President Obama). ?Only those with a mother and a father will ever become something memorable.

    Better still…

    “SB 5688 redefines terms such as ?husband? and ?wife? to be construed as ?gender neutral.? The new law will confuse children and likely result in public schools influencing children to accept a new definition of the ?family unit? so that same-sex partners will be a recognized norm.”

    Oh dear lord. ?If we talk about it in school it might make all of the children GAY! ?Kinda like cooties.

    Does it really matter what two people who love each other do in the privacy of their own bedroom? ?It seems to me that children would benefit from having as many people around them who love and care for them as possible.

    I don’t get it.

  • Bitch & Moan
  • Tried and failed

    I’ve come to a recent revelation that I’ve gotten fat. ?Of course fat is pretty relative. ?Let’s just say that, for me, I’ve gotten fat. ?I used to be verging on the edge of size 4. ?In the 3 years since I’ve started eating again, or otherwise known as I’ve become a parent, I’ve grown to a healthy size 10. ?40 pound my friends, 40 pounds. ?Where does that weight go? My ass.

    Trouble is, my entire wardrobe was purchased way back in the day when I had money. ?Meaning, before I had a child. ?Now that my ass is the size of Rhode Island I have approximately 4 pair of pants that fit. ?Ok, 5, but that would mean that I have to actually dry clean that 5th pair instead of ignoring them in the bottom of my hamper.

    The answer to this problem seems simple. ?I have 2 options really. ?Option #1, buy new pants. ?Option #2, exercise to fit into the pants that I currently own. ?However, I like to do things the difficult way and I went with Option #3. ?Make new clothes. ?Hey, I have a sewing machine and have made a few things here and there*. ?How hard could it be?

    So the other day I set out to find a few patterns and some fabric. ?I spent a good 2 child free hours in the fabric store the other morning and purchased 2 patterns (with multiple patterns and sizes in them) and coordinating fabric to make a few separates. ?My intention was to make 2 blouses, 1 skirt and a pair of pants. ?What I failed to do was measure myself prior to leaving the house. ?I looked at the patterns and instead of looking at the measurements I went by size. ?As I mentioned before I fit nicely into a size 10, and I’m ok with that. ?I purchased my patterns accordingly. ?This is where things went drastically downhill.

    My first attempt at clothes making was going to go to Simplicity Pattern #2764 look B. ?The blouse. ?I read the back of the envelope and nearly died when my bust measurement didn’t even register on the scale for the pattern I purchased. ?Truly I needed the next pattern up. ?I thought I’d trick the pattern makers and instead of cutting the pattern apart I traced the pattern onto a new sheet of tissue paper so I could later reuse the pattern for additional blouses or the jacket. ?I was thinking. ?I also thought that since my bust was larger than the largest pattern indicated that I would just make the largest size to be safe. ?In fact that sentence should have said, I got back in the car and exchanged the pattern for a bigger size. ?Not so much.

    I spent 2 days working on a blouse in a beautiful soft red silk. ?I put in an invisible zipper. ?I had to totally tear out a sleeve because I sewed it backwards. ?I worked on it for 2 days. ?Yesterday afternoon I tried it on to measure for the hem and damn it if I could barely get the thing on. ?I wanted to cry. ?What was worse… I could barely get it off. ?It was so damn discouraging.

    The thing that kills me is that I wasted money on the pattern (which I cannot return because I used highlighter on the instructions and envelope) and the fabric. ?I hate wasting money. ?There is something to be said for going to the store and walking out with clothing that mostly fits.

    I simply don’t understand why pattern makers insist on putting “sizes” on things. ?Why not just put the measurements? ?Because let’s face it. ?If I am going to make the pants from the other pattern I need a 22W for them to fit right. ?If I went into a store and purchased a size 22W pants you could fit 2 of me in there. ?Why doesn’t it match? ?Is it that pattern makers want to make us feel terrible or that clothing manufacturers want to blow smoke up our asses to make us feel good. ?I would put money on the latter.

    I’m trying to get over the size thing. ?It’s just a number and as long as the clothing fits what’s the difference?

    So it is off to the fabric store again tomorrow. ?Wish me luck.


    *I made the bee costume the boy is wearing in that main photo

  • Bitch & Moan
  • This burger tastes like failure

    I thought burgers on the grill sounded good for dinner. ?I momentarily forgot that our grill was out of commission. ?You see, the other week I was making pizza and noticed an unusually large flame under the grill plates. ?The trusty husband mentioned that he also saw a larger than usual (orange) flame. ?Odd… gas grills are supposed to have small blue flames.

    Last week the trusty husband took the grills and grill plates off of the burners only to notice this.

    grill6Yep, that there is holes in the burners. ?Don’t believe me? ?Take a closer look.grill5

    See, I told you so.

    He tried like a mofo to loosen the screws that held the burners on in the hopes that we might be able to replace the burners. ?This grill will not be defeated. ?He gave up in defeat only to search the internets to find out that Perfect Flame gas grills (available from Lowes*) are known for this. ?That and spontaneous combustion**.

    With renewed determination we both gave burner removal a shot. ?Let’s just say that if we weren’t infertile to begin with (and further sterilized by the multitude of metal detectors we passed through in Russia) we would surely be unable to procreate after inhaling more than our fair share of WD-40. ?We sprayed and scrubed, sprayed and chiseled, sprayed and said many a bad word to get those damn burner screws out. ?No luck.

    The next step was to disassemble the thing in the hopes that if we could wiggle the burners back and forth it might loosen the screws up to get the burners off. ?our grill ended up looking like this.grill4And then there was some over here.grill3 No luck.

    One person mentioned that they had to drill the screws out. ?That seemed to work for one of the burners, but the others are stubborn and will NOT come out.

    Here’s the part where I get really bitchy.

    This grill was purchased 3 years ago. ?It was a joint gift for the trusty husband from his parents and me for his first Father’s Day. ?It was the first gas grill we’ve ever owned and we really liked it. ?It is the right size, it makes 2 pizzas at a time. ?We’ve slow roasted ribs on it. ?Cooked more than the average in hamburgers, fish, steaks and the like. ?It was pretty to boot. ?There is no way in hell a grill should fall apart to this magnitude in 3 years. ?We used it, we didn’t abuse it. ?What’s more, this grill should not be so difficult to take apart. ?This is ridiculous. ?I am so disappointed in Lowes and the makers of Perfect Flame grills. ?Sure, the burners have a 10 year warranty on them (I am laughing so hard at that it hurts), but you have to have a receipt. ?We don’t happen to have ours. ?In defeat we had to give up.

    In the end


    I think not.

    Did I get the burger for dinner that I wanted. ?I sure did.



    *yes, I linked them. ?I want to know how shitty their product is.

    **ours is not the specific model in the recall notice.