I want to take a moment to address some feelings. I guess over the years this (and former) website has become a sort of therapy. A place where I can get things off of my chest. I’m married to a Swedish man and they aren’t exactly known for being touchy feely and talkie about things.
While my mother-in-law is still alive I still am mourning a loss. My sister-in-law said it best. “I cried, mourning the loss of that mom but treasuring (every moment) of the mom we still have.”
You have to know Bev Lindholm to truly grasp what that means.
She has been my mother-in-law for over 14 years. She has been like a mom for nearly 20. This is never to diminish my own mom, but Bev was there when my immediate family was going through hell. Bev became the person I called for help. If I was sick she was the one I called. If I was having problems with Oleg, she was the one I called. She was my pinch-hitter babysitter. She helped me make decorating choices. She went shopping with me. She was truly one of my best friends.
I say all of that with a past tense. Like I said, she IS still alive. She just isn’t quite the same. I can’t call her to ask for help, I can’t trust that she’ll remember a conversation we had 15 minutes prior. I can’t trust she’ll remember an event that happened 3 years ago. While the memory loss has been occurring over a span of 6 months it was like a switch was flipped and the mom we knew was gone. Her memories may never return. Her beautiful handwriting that addressed my wedding invitations may never return, she may never be able to play Christmas carols on the piano while the kids sing, she may never be able to do the things that she wished for in her retirement.
I know that I still have the here and now with her. I am thankful for that. But I won’t pretend that I don’t mourn the loss of the mom I once knew. My confidant, my friend, my mom.
It makes me angry and bitter.