Here goes.? and then she paused.
It’s a subject I’ve avoided for a long while now.? I bring it up on occasion because, well… It’s part of who I am.? But I’ve never truly gone out there and bitched about it before.? I’m talking about infertility.? Few years back my circle of bloggers was infertiles.? We were bridging the gap between infertility and adoption.? Trouble is, I didn’t begin my blogging life as an infertility blogger.? So I never had the opportunity to complain about yet another failed cycle or the tons of needles or endless doctor appointments.? Truth is I didn’t go through that part of infertility.? We tried to get pregnant.? It didn’t work and we moved straight to adoption.? Then the cost of our adoption doubled and the ability to adopt again looks out of the question unless there was some miracle.
Are we happy with one child?? No.? That sounds bad.? We love the child we have, but our family is not complete.? We both know that.? We’ve always wanted at least 2 children, but again, adoption is out of the question due to the cost.? (trust me, if I had the money I’d start tomorrow)
Since adoption was out of the question that left the “good ol’ fashioned way.”? Problem is, when you’ve been down the getting pregnant didn’t work for us path giving it a go is a hard pill to swallow.? The question comes up of how long are we going to try.
For us… it was 8 months.
Yes, for the past 8 months we’ve been trying to get pregnant.? and there she pauses again.
Our attempts at trying to conceive (ttc) have been our business.? We have not shared that information with many.? What we do in our bedroom is our business and no one elses.? So why share something that I vowed not to blog about.? Because I want to bitch.
I’m bitching because of the reason we decided to stop trying.? It all comes down to money.? Money is standing in the way of us adding to our family.? We can’t adopt because it is too expensive.? Every natural method known to man has been exhaused.? Why the hell do you think I gave up gluten*?? Because I thought it would be fun?? Hell no.? Do you think smelling someone else’s bagel in the morning is fun?? I was crazy stalker lady who followed people around wanting to sniff their sandwiches.
Truth is we don’t know why we can’t get pregnant.? Some probably has to do with my own medical conditions, but we don’t know to what extent.? We have insurance to cover the majority of testing (which is what is needed at the moment), but we don’t have the 20% insurance doesn’t cover.? I’m not willing to put us further into the poor house over wanting to have a baby.
So here’s the real bitch.? I am so fucking tired of the unexpected pregnancy.? I’m tired of the chick who gets knocked up on the first try.? I’ve had it with those who complain about the pregnancy symptoms and it only took them 2 tries.? I can’t stand it any more.? I don’t want to go to play group and hear about breastfeeding.? If I hear the word midwife one more time I might scream.? God forbid I hear, “well… you never know.? You adopted, you might end up pregnant now,” one more time. I am going to jump off the next damn bridge I see.
I can’t even garner sympathy of the miscarriage.? Not that a miscarriage would be remotely fun.? I just can’t get pregnant.? I’m bitter about it.? I’m jealous of the others.? I don’t want it to be so hard.? Suz said it best:
It’s not quite like the singles ?vs. the marrieds where each envies the other, no one envies the infertile.
It’s so true.? No one envies us because we can’t have babies, yet no one really has a clue.
*I read a bood about Chinese Medicine and infertility and the author (Angela Wu) said wheat and dairy add dampness to the body creating an inhospitable environment for a baby.