Bitch Day: Life in the Infertile Circle

Here goes.? and then she paused.

It’s a subject I’ve avoided for a long while now.? I bring it up on occasion because, well… It’s part of who I am.? But I’ve never truly gone out there and bitched about it before.? I’m talking about infertility.? Few years back my circle of bloggers was infertiles.? We were bridging the gap between infertility and adoption.? Trouble is, I didn’t begin my blogging life as an infertility blogger.? So I never had the opportunity to complain about yet another failed cycle or the tons of needles or endless doctor appointments.? Truth is I didn’t go through that part of infertility.? We tried to get pregnant.? It didn’t work and we moved straight to adoption.? Then the cost of our adoption doubled and the ability to adopt again looks out of the question unless there was some miracle.

Are we happy with one child?? No.? That sounds bad.? We love the child we have, but our family is not complete.? We both know that.? We’ve always wanted at least 2 children, but again, adoption is out of the question due to the cost.? (trust me, if I had the money I’d start tomorrow)

Since adoption was out of the question that left the “good ol’ fashioned way.”? Problem is, when you’ve been down the getting pregnant didn’t work for us path giving it a go is a hard pill to swallow.? The question comes up of how long are we going to try.

For us… it was 8 months.

Yes, for the past 8 months we’ve been trying to get pregnant.? and there she pauses again.

Our attempts at trying to conceive (ttc) have been our business.? We have not shared that information with many.? What we do in our bedroom is our business and no one elses.? So why share something that I vowed not to blog about.? Because I want to bitch.

I’m bitching because of the reason we decided to stop trying.? It all comes down to money.? Money is standing in the way of us adding to our family.? We can’t adopt because it is too expensive.? Every natural method known to man has been exhaused.? Why the hell do you think I gave up gluten*?? Because I thought it would be fun?? Hell no.? Do you think smelling someone else’s bagel in the morning is fun?? I was crazy stalker lady who followed people around wanting to sniff their sandwiches.

Truth is we don’t know why we can’t get pregnant.? Some probably has to do with my own medical conditions, but we don’t know to what extent.? We have insurance to cover the majority of testing (which is what is needed at the moment), but we don’t have the 20% insurance doesn’t cover.? I’m not willing to put us further into the poor house over wanting to have a baby.

So here’s the real bitch.? I am so fucking tired of the unexpected pregnancy.? I’m tired of the chick who gets knocked up on the first try.? I’ve had it with those who complain about the pregnancy symptoms and it only took them 2 tries.? I can’t stand it any more.? I don’t want to go to play group and hear about breastfeeding.? If I hear the word midwife one more time I might scream.? God forbid I hear, “well… you never know.? You adopted, you might end up pregnant now,” one more time. I am going to jump off the next damn bridge I see.

I can’t even garner sympathy of the miscarriage.? Not that a miscarriage would be remotely fun.? I just can’t get pregnant.? I’m bitter about it.? I’m jealous of the others.? I don’t want it to be so hard.? Suz said it best:

It’s not quite like the singles ?vs. the marrieds where each envies the other, no one envies the infertile.

It’s so true.? No one envies us because we can’t have babies, yet no one really has a clue.


*I read a bood about Chinese Medicine and infertility and the author (Angela Wu) said wheat and dairy add dampness to the body creating an inhospitable environment for a baby.

22 Comment

  1. Our family isn’t complete either…frickin’ money. It’s all about money. I changed my diet radically when TTC but we ended up having male factor issues. We did the cycles and I got tired of being a pin cushion, especially when my parts seemed OK. I gave up on having a child, but because of money, my husband feels he wants to give it another shot, so we can complete our family…but I just don’t have the energy. And more testing brings on more shit and nevermind the fact that I let my body go to complete shit and I’m surrounded by people that get pregnant accidentally two months after they give birth. I’m done…I’d love to adopt again but I just don’t have 30 grand. I don’t even have money for a frickin’ house. And I sure as hell ain’t asking the public for money because I think that’s fucked up. So there.

  2. Debbie says: Reply

    $$$- That’s why we’re considering foster-adopt next time.

  3. Jen M. says: Reply

    RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!! I have been reading your blog for a few months and really enjoy it. Today’s post hit so close to home I had to come out of my “lurking status”.

    I am thisclose to having to sell a major body organ in order to complete our adoption. And it is NOT FAIR!

    And the next time I hear “all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant!” someone’s going to lose some teeth.


  4. DebiP says: Reply

    I have done it all and still have no answers… when my father was dying he asked me to ‘please stop injecting yourself with the horrid drugs’….I said yes….I did, I adopted. I have two lovely boys and I am beyond happy…I have left my fertility woes in a dark place and that is where they will stay. Tucked in a place that they cannot be revived from.

    I too felt all the same things with infertility that all of us interfiles talk so much about. I hope that all women who really want to conceive and cannot can get to the place that I am at….someday…

  5. Heidi says: Reply

    It was a hard road to travel, with signs I couldn’t read and it led nowhere, just to the unknown. It sucked. It sucked BIG time.
    But, (I know we all hate that word) but, I now know why I didn’t get pregnant… because my children were conceived in other women’s bodies and I had to fly across the world and go get them.
    I never thought I would be okay with my infertility, never. And here I am, so very thankful for it. Now THAT is FULL CIRCLE!
    ~ Hoping you get there too.

  6. mom says: Reply

    I’m over the hill… but I bleed for all of you! You can’t run away from pain thrust in your face continually. IMPOSSIBLE! Many of my own tears spent on not being able to conceive. I even hate the word! Hugs to all of you and continue to keep other avenues open… it takes more then being a baby factory to be someones mom. 😀

  7. This is one of the reasons I felt weird blogging about my pregnancy – so many in my adoption blog circle struggled with infertility in some form and here I was the poster child for “oh look she adopted and now she is pregnant” club. I was much like you in that I didn’t go through a lot of treatments or tests before turning to adoption – we just decided that we would rather expend the $ and effort on adoption instead of tests. But I was still a little bitter about people popping up pregnant. I had friends who would decide to have another child and 10 minutes later announce they were pregnant. And my sister’s teen step-daughter got pregnant on accident not once but twice in the time we were trying to get pregnant and then adopt. Bitter? Oh yeah.

    I hate that finances can dictate things like this. I was so afraid of how we would afford another adoption. I wish $ didn’t have to play a part in those decisions.

  8. Kathou says: Reply

    The dreaded I word “infertility”.? I’m with you Elle not wanting to hear of the unexpected pregnancy, or the ‘just relax, it’s going to happen’ BS that everyone throws at you. For those who haven’t been through infertility you have no idea what we go through.? To me it was 8 years of pure hell until the day I woke up and said to myself that our family is not going to be created this way and we needed to move on. Trust me it was easier said than done but I have a wonderful husband who was in total support of moving on, so we took the next step.That next step led us to our beloved daughter, Nadya.? She is the light of my world and I adore her completely.?

  9. I had no idea you were trying again (obviously), but I am sorry to read this. It just sucks. No way around it. Have you thought of the foster adopt programs? Just a thought. At least you know that you have friends here that support you, get you and don’t judge you. Hugs to you.

  10. Lauri says: Reply

    I hear you and we tried it all- IUI to the highest tech IVF w/icisi ( google it), it did not work and I am pissed. I screwed up my body with all those hormones and adopting does not take away the infertility pain, it doesn’t. I have a wonderful child but crave a baby like some may crave chocolate. I have dreams that we just unexpectedly get pregnant, a miracle. But we have issues on both ends- male & female infertility.

    Infertility sucks

  11. Carrie says: Reply

    I’m so sorry. Money is the reason we are not adopting again like we had planned and it SUCKS! I can’t speak to infertility, as that was never my issue, but I want to thank you for talking about it. As a person who never had trouble conceiving, it’s good to know what to say and what not to say. I’m a lot more cognizant now of how what I say about my pregnancies, birth, and children can sound to others!

    It’s hard to put your personal stuff out there like this and I am very grateful that you did!

  12. Liv says: Reply

    I’m sorry. And I know that doesn’t even help.

    I don’t even want to really offer any opinion because now I fall into that ‘unexpected’ category. While pregnant with the Squirt, I was even a little angry at the irony that at the point that E and I decided to truly give up did we conceive naturally. Admitting true defeat to achieve what your heart most desires is weird. All our lives we are told to ‘never give up’, and ‘keep praying’. After awhile, you just feel selfish.

    Gah, I’m going to stop now.

  13. Chelsea says: Reply

    I am about to be in a similar situation, we did IUI and after 2 years got our daughter. That though was accomplished because we were blessed with some awesome coverage at my old job. Now that I stay home, I don’t have that awesome coverage and we have to try on our own, which for one is helluh scary since I am at super high risk for more ectopics and ya.

    I don’t know if I’m too scared to try yet but have plenty of sympathy for the 8 million women telling you their pregnant again…oops!

  14. Jenni says: Reply

    The whole thing just sucks. We also don’t know why we were never able to have a baby “the old fashioned way,” which makes it suck even worse because there is no identifiable problem you can blame or fix.

    It’s funny, I thought I was over my infertility-related emotional issues. But today I learned that a friend became pregnant “on accident,” and a spike of sadness tore through my gut. I have no wish to get pregnant again (did that, lost the baby), but it still hurts to hear that others get pregnant so easily.

  15. Kim says: Reply

    Honey do I hear you!! We flogged my ovaries like unruly pinatas on Cinco de Mayo, with nary a baby to show for it. We adopted our wonderful son, but lo, our family isn’t complete either. We’ll probably go deeply into debt for “baby brudda”, but I can’t stand the thought of not having one more. I secretly pray for the “miracle pregnancy”, but it ain’t gonna happen.

  16. Jenny says: Reply

    Oh sweetheart….lots of love and blessings upon you, for health, healing, comfort, and all that. What else can be said, but that you are surrounded by love and we are all here to listen when the need is there.

  17. Krista Merlino says: Reply

    Oh boy, do I identify with you…first time poster by the way 🙂 We adopted my daughter domestically after 7 yrs of IF, tried everything…blah blah I just could rarely get pregnant and when I did could not stay pregnant. Six weeks after we adopted my daughter I was pregnant and I was SO pissed…Yes, you think I would have been happy but I was so bitter and mad at the fertile world I could not believe it had happened. Now not only was I the urban legend of adoption I also was going to be pregnant for my daughters first year. Everything ended well, we had my second daughter when my first was 9 1/2 months old and now three years later I feel very blessed but for a long time I felt that IF had robbed me of 7 years of my life and claimed the last three in a weird way too.

    Peace….and love to you and your family.

  18. I feel your pain. We had all the testing only to be classified as unexplained infertility informally revised to “crappy eggs” after a couple of goes at IVF.

    I won’t say any of the stupid things that people think that help but don’t. I’ll just say I’m sorry. It sucks.

  19. Carla says: Reply

    Infertility sucks. If I don’t stop there, I turn my comment into a vent/rant/post.

    so much in the feelings of this, and you struck the nail on the head.

  20. Gaye says: Reply

    Elle…Your post was very heartfelt…I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I wish I could give you a big hug right now! As you know, I have been there and IT SUCKS and it isn’t fair! Stupid eggs and stupid cycles!

  21. I’m right there with you! We’ve been trying for 10 months….I haven’t been for testing for the very same reason…money! I’m 37 so I’m not getting any younger…ha! Friends don’t understand….I am sick of being asked…”so when are you guys going to start having kids?” I don’t want to get into it with everyone I know! It’s heartbreaking to see and hear about people who don’t really want kids having them, or seeing kids at school who are not taken care of and their mom’s keep having more babies. Sometimes when I am home alone, I sit and cry. I truly can’t imagine my life without having children…whether through adoption or birth. But, the cost for adoption is just soooo overwhelming. I’m a teacher and my husband is in the midst of switching careers…so he is basically starting over again. We don’t have an unlimited amount of savings to spend. We do well and could afford children if we could just have a child easily. I guess nothing’s ever easy. Your post really hit close to home today….sorry for blabbing, but thanks for posting. I guess I needed to get this off my chest!

  22. kc says: Reply

    i’m freaking pissed too. the whole process is miserable. and the disappointment at the costs of adoption and the rules (for some international countries) just add to the isolation and feeling of being defeated.

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