Every Saturday I do the requisite hockey mom thing and drive my child to the rink.? Ok, Derek drives to the rink and I go along for the ride.? The boy still won’t let his father off the ice and the coaches are ok with this.? They can use the extra help anyway.? Since the husband is otherwise occupied this gives me a “free” hour to do such things as work (I’ve taken my laptop before), work on craft projects or even draw.? Handy.? I sit on a hard little bench and occasionally look out through the glass to see my child actually participating in hockey lessons.? It’s a win win for everyone.
Yesterday we started the second of 3 sessions this hockey season.? Each session is 3 months long.? The trusty in-laws brought the boy up from spending the night and they stayed to watch the lesson.? I beamed as my child was working with the coaches and NOT screaming.? One coach set him straight and said dad could be on the ice, but that he was going to work with coaches this time.? I like them better already.
After the lesson I was wandering the locker room halls and the head coach caught me.? He asked if I would be out on the ice this session.? Um… I hadn’t planned on it so I made him directly tell me that he wanted my help out there.? There was a lot of non-committal “well it wouldn’t hurt.”? Let’s just cut to the chase Gary, do you want me out there or not?? The answer was yes.
This weekend we happened to have cross-ice on Sunday.? This means 2 lessons in a weekend.? I agreed to bring my helmet (I always have my skates).? I dress and again the coaches set my child straight.? Derek and I run drills with the kids, which is a bit of us participating in the drills and more slacking off.? But we’re pro slackers so it really looks like we’re doing something.
After drills the kids get to play a little mini hockey game and this is where I elevate slacking to a whole new level.? I stand around and yell at kids to skate faster or get the puck.? Only today coach comes over to me and says, “ok, we’re going to teach mom how to stop.”? Crap.? I’ve been playing hockey/skating for 4 years now.? I’ve gotten by just fine without know how to stop.? Stopping (or learning to stop) means the potential for me falling down.? Doesn’t he know how easily I bruise?? Honestly.? There’s nothing worse than flabby fat white legs with giant purple bruises all over them.
I indulge the guy and do what I’m told.? Only this coach is known as “coach push-ups.”? I’d best listen or I’d find myself sprawled out on the ice huffing and puffing to get myself up.? Little did I know how hard I would have to work.? And not only did the head coach try to teach me, but the other 3 did as well.? The boy’s favorite coach skates over to see what’s going on and they tell him that they are trying to teach me how to stop.? He says, “oh, just snow plow.”? Yeah, cause the other 2 didn’t try that approach already.? What do I look like?? Some pecker wood jackass?? I am 32 years old, out of shape with a bad hip and knee.? They’re lucky I’m on the damn skates I’m so out of shape.
And what was the lesson that I took away from this?? Stopping is hard.? Ice is harder when you fall down and next week I’m bringing hockey pants.? They aren’t letting me off the hook.
Wish I could have witnessed this!
Ha ha! Reasons I don’t skate …
I practically grew up on ice skates and still cannot skate
yeah for you….
Yay for you for at least humoring them. When I was learning to ski everyone told me “just snowplow” and plow I did, into trees, into snow banks, into lines of skiiers… snow plowing only works if you are coasting or moving slow. You’re on hockey skate, so no to picks… Hrm… I wonder why they call it a “hockey stop” put your knees together and twist at the waist… make those hips work for you!
Also in snow plowing, push your heels out way far so as to point your toes at eachother and make a wall with the blade… not that 4 coaches didn’t tell you this. Sometime I’ll let you see me on skates, and you’ll be laughing so hard you’ll forget how mad you are at people trying to teach you to stop.