I hate writing about my depression. Really. 9 times out of 10 I get at least one comment that I should be medicating myself with some sort of pharmaceutical. It’s not that I’m against Western medicine. I don’t feel that option is the best for me. I can, with certainty, say that I am not sitting around wallowing in my own self pity when it comes to SAD. There is no woe is me in this house. If that were the case I’d lay around in my house coat and never shower. Better yet, I’d stay in my nice warm bed and never get out. But I do get out of the bed every day, I shower every day and I get dressed. I may not be the most fashionable every day, but I don’t wear my pjs at 3 in the afternoon.
I recognize that I have problems and I really am doing something about them. I see an acupuncturist 1-2 times a month. (come on February 8th!) I take Chinese Herbs to help with the depression and the endomitriosis pain (which is quite severe on occasion). I do my best to get outside as often as possible. I am working at getting better. I may never be 100%. I don’t think I ever was 100%. Hell I wouldn’t know what it feels like if I got to that level.
What I can say is I know there is a difference between now and this time last year. Or this time last June for that matter. Last May and June (sunny spring weather) I yelled at my child. I was much more impatient. I was angry. It was a combination of things that led me to where I am today. My child still irritates me, but I can see past the food flinging and laugh at his off jokes. I melt when he gets right in my face and says, “time to get up mom.” Or when he crawls up in my lap and says, “I love you mommy.” Before there would be a knee jerk reaction of, “boy, you are hurting me” as jams his knee into my uterus. Not any more.
I have my down days. I am allowed to have my down days. They are few and far between. I write about them for the same reason I chronicled as less than perfect adoption journey. Because there is someone out there with the same issues. I know I am not the only one with SAD. I know I am not the only one with pain from endo. And that other person(s) will be happy to know they aren’t alone either.
The sun will come out. And I do live my life a little better, but it isn’t through chemistry. It is through what is produced naturally. And I prefer it that way.