The front side of fear

I really am tired of writing posts that seem sad, but I’m trying to share some of the hidden realities of this whole journey.  However, this week has been a bit rough.

Monday was fantastic!  It was the first day in weeks that I felt like myself.  I spent the majority of the day in the garden weeding.  There you go.  A positive.

On Tuesday the week made that down hill turn.  I had an appointment to have my port placed for chemo.  Since there were no openings at SCCA I had to have it done at UW Medical.  It was a much more involved process that took much longer than it should have.  I waited in the radiology waiting room for over an hour.  The “surgery” was fairly quick with no complications.  I slept in recovery for about 2 hours then went home.  

Wednesday it was Jenny’s turn to take me for a boob fill.  The PA asked if I wanted to wait since I’d just had the port put in.  I want to get this whole fill process over with as fast as possible so I said to go ahead and do it.  I started to feel tension at 50ccs, but again in the essence of time had her go up to 60ccs.  In hindsight this was a very bad idea.  A VERY bad idea.  By the time Jenny and I got back to the car and on the road our plans of grabbing a coffee or something else just flew out the window.  I needed to get home as soon as possible.

Jenny got me home and helped me get into bed right as I burst into tears.  The pain was reminiscent of immediate post surgery pain.  I mistakenly took Tylenol which ruled out the use of narcotics for the next 6 hours.  It was so bad Derek contemplated running down the street to our local pot shop for herbal relief.  A 2 hour nap helped somewhat, but not quite enough.  I did sit on the couch for dinner, but went right back to bed.  There was very little sleeping that night.

Thursday was somewhat better as far as pain goes.  Being up and moving around helps for the most part.  My friend, Rachel, took me out to get my nails done again and we were planning on doing a little shopping.  It ended up that Derek needed us to come home for some help.  I was managing the pain relatively well until it was time to go to bed.  Last night’s “sleep” involved Tylenol PM at 3:00 am.  This morning’s pain level is equally as shitty.  I’m hoping that being up and moving will loosen things up.  As of now this is my view.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the latter half of today.  I am to report to SCCA at 3:00 for additional chemo training.  Then at 5:00 I have a blood draw and at 6:00 I start treatment.  I’m not expected to leave SCCA until 9:30 tonight.

I’m nervous and scared.  I’m mostly afraid of side effects.  I hate being nauseous.  I know my doctors will do everything to prevent that, but I still fear that unknown.  I don’t need extra people there, but I appreciate all of the positive thoughts you can send.

This afternoon I’m going to enjoy the sun.  If my arms loosen up I may try a little light gardening.  I’ll look forward to plans with friends over the weekend.  Most of all I’ll wish this were my view instead.

9 Comment

  1. Gretchen says: Reply

    Love you honey!

  2. Clea Ranniger says: Reply

    I have no words lady! I love that your honest and authentic in your writing. No apologies no reservations need be made to those not experiencing this journey in the same capacity as you, Derek or Oleg. Love is all we can send and share in our quiet moments and in our angry conversations with the universe on how unfair this is for you. I go about my day but you are always at the forefront of my thoughts, always.

  3. Diana Dunne says: Reply

    Praying for strength and grace, especially during this first treatment. Sending all my love your way.
    Auntie D

  4. Heather says: Reply

    Gentle hugs and lots of positive thoughts! We appreciate you and all that goes with it. Remember to talk to the doctors and nurses – there are lots of options for the nausea (Benedryl and the local shop being 2 – Derek may make that trip yet)

  5. Mom says: Reply

    Love you…. this sucks!

  6. Ken says: Reply

    No one can know what you are going through. All we can do is love you and send prayers your way.
    A verse from I Peter says “after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen and establish you. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen
    Dad

  7. Mike says: Reply

    Sending much strength your way, and all the positive energy possible. ????

  8. Jessica says: Reply

    Tons of love for you. Many people’s prayers are with you. Everybody is holding you with possitive energy and love. Try to relax and cover yourself with the light. That helps a lot. At 7 I will be in a Healing Mass. I am taking you with me to church today.

  9. Janet Bartel says: Reply

    Sending lots of love and prayers your way. Hope that you feel all the love coming your way from Kansas. Love and Hugs, Aunt Jan

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