Fashion Icon

I’ve mentioned before I’m in a bit of a funk. Really it’s a funk that’s lasted and lasted. So I put on TwitFace that I was in need of some retail therapy, but a significant lack of funding was preventing that. See previous post. My wonderful awesome friend Kerstin decided that, even though we didn’t have any money, we needed to go shopping anyway.

Last night she picked me up and we headed to the mall. Now normally the mall is the single most horrible place in the entire world… ok, that’s not true. The hospital sucks more. Anyway, the mall it was. We were highly unimpressed with the shoe selection at Nordstrom so it was good thing we didn’t have any money.

Then we went to Macy’s. Oh Macy’s how I love you. Your ability to put the worlds most unfortunate fashions on clearance is nothing short of Godlike. If the clearance shoe rack wasn’t entertainment enough, Macy’s had an entire section dedicated to clearance bad clothing.

The horrible terrible no good funk melted away when we found a rack of faux fur. Oh this wasn’t just any faux fur. This was coats made from the hides of Muppets. There was an Elmo coat, one made from the backs of Mahna Mahna’s back-up singers and a Cookie Monster frock. We felt compelled to try on the coats even though they were out of our price range. As we were trying on the coats the heavens opened and sang hymns of joy. On the end of the rack was a Cookie Monster vest. I want this vest so badly, but I had to settle for trying it on.

Now normally that would be enough to brighten things up. The funk was so bad a Cookie Monster vest alone would not do it, especially with a whole clearance rack of bad clothes sitting right. there. We found a whole outfit. Of course I had to try it on.

You can’t really tell exactly how bad that outfit was in the photo. Let me tell you… Not only am I wearing a Cookie Monster vest, but I have on an orange sweater with a DETACHED collar. Detached! As in a boat neck sweater with a cuff around the neck. The pants… oh the pants. Stretchy lace trousers. Kerstin also absconded with a pair of Jessica Simpson black platforms from the shoe department to put the whole look together.

I wurked the hell out of that outfit.

You would think that a mini photoshoot in the dressing room of Macy’s would be enough. Oh no. We felt compelled to help. We found there weren’t enough unfortunate clothing choices at the mall or there weren’t enough people taking full advantage of all the mall had to offer. We decided to to do a little merchandising for the store clerks.

We started small. We paired a overly loud shirt with a patterned chair in a display. Feeling that we’d done enough damage at Macy’s we moved on to other stores. The next stop was H&M.

At H&M we paired a pink, gold and orange sequined top with a gold handbag, a chunky necklace and gold bangle bracelets. We found an electric blue micro mini skirt to go with it, but couldn’t figure out how to put it in the display. We were very sad that we didn’t get the chance to model that particular outfit. I was wearing far to many clothes to get completely undressed again. We also forgot to take a photo of that one, but we felt our job was done.

We moved on to Forever 21, but the technicolor in that store makes my head hurt and let’s be frank… it was just way too easy.

We are fairly certain that the stores will be calling us any day to hire us as merchandisers. Either that or they have our photos on the wall in the security office.