You want to be me

Remember how I mentioned that the boy was turning into a real live boy? ?I have a feeling that I should put the pediatricians office on speed dial… that and my therapist (whom I haven’t seen in 6 years thankyouverymuch).

Recent exploits of the child in my house include the following two scenarios (both happened yesterday). ?There was also a playing under the car episode that my mom totally downplayed while my head would have exploded if I had been the one to actually find him under the car.

Scene 1:

Small child yelling at dog (not unusual, in fact he’s doing it right now). ?I go into living room to find out what dog is doing to make small child yell at her. ?It usually involves breathing or walking or some other innocent dog act. ?The boy has the bottle of (eco-friendly and doesn’t work so don’t ever buy it) glass cleaner sitting on the floor of the living room. ?He has paper towels in his hand and the dog is eating some of the paper towels. ?Nothing unusual there. ?We taught the boy to clean the windows so now I have the “cleanest” windows in the neighborhood, but only to a height of 3′ and I wouldn’t really call them clean because we use that eco-friendly and doesn’t work so don’t ever buy it glass cleaner. ?So I see the glass “cleaner,” the paper towels and the bottle of bitter yuck spray sitting in the window sill. ?I have no clue how the child got the bitter yuck spray because it was on top of the entertainment center and there was no evidence of tool fashioning to retrieve said bottle. ?Also the boy was drinking copious amounts of water. ?I inquired as to what was going on, obviously he was trying to clean the windows, but why the bitter yuck and the water? ?He informed me that he got the bitter yuck because he didn’t want Busy to bother him while he cleaned… and accidently got some in his mouth. ?I love logical consequences.

About 10 minutes later the boy comes into my office and says, “Mom, you know how to get bitter yuck spray taste out of your mouth? ?You have to brush your teeth with two different kinds of toothpaste. ?Now my breath smells minty.” ?That’s great baby, but I’m still not going to kiss you.

Scene 2:

The boy is playing in the back yard. ?The trusty husband is grilling burgers for dinner. ?The phone rings and it is the trusty husband’s bff. ?I go outside to give him the phone and the boy is behind the hedge in the backyard and the husband is talking to him. ?A conversation ensues…

Derek: you did what?
Oleg: mumble mumble mumble.
Me: Derek, Matt is on the phone.
Derek: ?You did what? ?You pooped outside?
Oleg: mumble mumble mumble
Me: He did WHAT?… Matt, hold on a second
Derek: {looking at me} you deal. {takes phone} oh nothing, just doing a little parenting
Me to child: you did WHAT?
Oleg: I pooped outside.

**BLAM** Head explodes

{trying to totally not loose my shit, but doing a very poor job of it}
Me: you pooped outside? Where?
Oleg: right there {pointing to a pile of rocks}
Me: get inside right now and go into the bathroom and wipe your butt
Oleg: {now beginning to yell at me} but I already wiped my butt
Me: with what???!!!
Oleg: LLLLEEEEAAAAVVVVEEEESSS

{at this point there is no sanity left in me. Child and I go into the bathroom, I clean him up and we then have a heated conversation about who in the world said it was ok to poop in the back yard}

Me: Where did you get the idea to poop in the back yard?
Oleg: It was my own idea.
Me: What makes you think it is ok to poop in the back yard?
Oleg: I don’t know
Me: Who in the world told you it was ok to poop outside.
Oleg: {very matter of fact} Jon {who happens to be a very good friend of ours}
Me: It is never ok to poop in the back yard
{I then go into the kitchen where the trusty husband and I do a very bad job of containing the hysterical laughter}