Ok, let’s be honest.  Chemo always sucks.  They’re filling your body full of toxic poisons that require a myriad of other drugs to mitigate the symptoms of the actual chemo.  Even though you take that myriad of other drugs many of the side effects get through and it knocks you down to your most pitiful self.  This is me.  Or at least it has been me the past few days.

Infusion day wasn’t terrible.  I was tired, but it was doable.  Sunday wasn’t so bad either.  I can’t remember much of what I did, but I don’t recall it being all that bad.  Monday and Tuesday left me in tears both days.

After surgery I had days where I felt so horribly lazy, but I was in pain so I felt I had the right to be lazy.  With chemo it’s just a debilitating fatigue.  I can barely keep my eyes open and at times the most I can do is get up to go to the bathroom or go downstairs to grab a mediocre bite to eat.  

My big event Monday was showering and shuffling around the grocery store to see if there was anything that tasted good.  Beyond that I slept.  Tuesday I did go up to school because we had to take the boy for his last day (all of 2 hours).  I put away vases and cleaned up a few things.  I then came home to sleep most of the day.  My day long nap was enough to give me enough energy to water plants outside and make some dinner (with assistance).  However, I wasn’t able to eat much of the dinner.  

My wish is that today is much better.  Breakfast went down a bit easier this morning and I’m feeling a little more alert.  I slept a little better last night as well.

I hate all of this and know that it is only temporary.  Chemo will end just like surgery recovery.  Radiation will start and that will be hard too, but in the end the result will be a cancer free life.  Fingers crossed.

Yesterday marked AC round 3 for me.  It was another early morning, but not quite as early as the last.  We had to be to SCCA by 8:00 a.m. for labs.  We ran a little late, but it turned out fine.  I’m always so impressed at how amazing the lab techs are there.  I had good blood return on my port line.  In and out easy easy.

Next stop, 5th floor infusion center.  I believe SCCA was smart to put the infusion center on the 5th floor.  It has one of the most amazing views of Lake Union.  Yesterday was particularly nice because the weather here is incredible this weekend.  I watched the boats and sea planes during my short wait and before long my pager went off and it was time to go.

As I walked past the nurse’s desk I saw my favorite “meanest nurse in the world,” Jo.  I love her so!  She hooked me up and we did our thing.

This week my parents joined us so I got the lo down on what is happening with the rest of the family.  In addition to me having cancer, my mother also takes care of her brother full time as well as watches after my grandfather and checks in on my grandmother.  She really should be given a medal of some sort.

This round was much like all the rest.  I did get a headache near the end of the cytoxan, but that happens every time.  I was a little more tired all day.  I took a wholly unsatisfactory nap when we got home.  I enjoyed the company of my family, Jon & Kerstin and Kathou & Paypay.  They came to help me celebrate my birthday.  

41 with breast cancer doesn’t suck so bad when you have amazing friends that will do anything for you.  They also do things like bring gifts that they know I’ll love.  Unicorn lights, bamboo wind chimes and a Belle charm for my bracelet are just a few of the wonderful things I’ve received.  I love you all so very much!!

Friday was also my last day of school for the year.  The school year doesn’t officially end until June 27th (longest year evah), but I know I won’t be feeling well enough to teach Monday and Tuesday so I took them off.  My advanced horticulture students gave me a lovely little basket of snacks and we had a laid back day.  My intro students worked their butts off helping to clean the greenhouses.  There’s still a ton to do, but I know it will get taken care of to the best of everyone’s ability.  Besides, it gives me something to putter around with over the summer.  Most teachers want to get the hell away from school during the summer.  I have greenhouses to manage and cabinets and offices that still need cleaning.  I like the quiet.  When you inherit a program from a teacher that taught for 23 years there is a lot of things to go through.

All in all the start to this round isn’t bad.  Give me a few days and then ask me how I’m feeling.

Friday was Chemo Round 2.  Unlike last time I didn’t have all day to sit around and fret about it.  This time I had to get up early to be there by 7:30 a.m..  We got situated and in walks a nurse who says, “Hi!  I’m Jo and I’m the meanest nurse here.”  

I replied with, “I’m a high school teacher.  Give me your best shot.”

We got along great.

This round was just me and Derek (and mean not-mean nurse Jo).  I’m sure the rounds are extremely boring for Derek, but he brings his iPad and entertains himself.  He’s also in charge of the playlist.  This round was Sgt. Peppers and Macklemore.  The man knows me so well.  I’m lucky that we have private rooms for infusion so that we can do things like laugh and joke and play music and the guy across the hall can sleep.

Breast cancer patients talk about “the red devil.”  Adriamycin is this drug.  It’s one of the most potent chemo drugs out there.  It also happens to be red.  It’s always unnerving to see this stuff running through the IV line.

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This one doesn’t bother me so much.  I’m sure if I didn’t have the copious amounts of pre-meds I’d be one unhappy camper.  They cytoxan gives me a headache near the end of the round.  That I don’t like.  Because of this they have to give it on a 1 hour drip instead of the 30 minute.  Meh… gives me more time to draw.

After infusion Derek and I celebrated by having some lunch at a place I’m not supposed to eat, Serious Pie & Biscuit.  He told me if I was a good little cancer patient he’d take me out for a treat.  I didn’t complain so I got pizza and a biscuit.  We’d planned on sharing a pizza with a soft yolk egg on it, but me and eggs… we’re not buds right now.  That’s great because we have 6 baby chicks in our garage right now.  Good thing they won’t start laying until next spring.

We had time to waste before picking up the boy at school so I told Derek we needed to go to the Bellevue Botanical Garden.  It’s one of my favorite places.  It was beautiful.  I’ll share photos another day.  Chemo, lunch and a nice walk finished me off for the day.

So far this whole chemo thing isn’t horrible.  As long as I continue to eat and nap and take my meds I’m pretty good.  My biggest side effect is fatigue.  Well, that and my hair started falling out Friday afternoon.  Today it is falling out with a vengeance.  I may bite the bullet and shave it off.  I just have to work up the nerve to do it.

Next round is on a Saturday.  June 24th.  2 days after my 41st birthday!  Lucky me.  Happy birthday, here’s a little more poison in your system.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I look great I could probably pay for my cancer treatment without insurance.  Ok, not that many times, but you get the picture.  On a daily basis someone asks me how I am.  My typical response is, “I’m good, but I’m tired.”  It’s pretty true.  At school I get around almost like I used to.  That first day back last week was rough, but after that I’ve done pretty well.  There was that one moment in the greenhouse where I did have to have a student help me back to the classroom because I almost passed out.  I blame that on the fact that it was really hot in the greenhouse because the swamp cooler wasn’t working and I’d over dressed for the day.

Let’s forget I said anything (mom).

To be quite honest I am doing really well.  My nurse practitioner even said so.  I had an appointment with her today and she almost seemed amazed at how good I looked.  I know this may not last, but I’m going to take the win.

I contribute my feeling good (and looking good) to a few things.  The first is my students.  It is the end of the school year and they are all bonkers crazy by this point, but I still love them.  I told one to quit being a smart ass today and his response was, “It makes me who I am… It’s part of my CHaaaarm!”  This from a kid who isn’t always the happiest. I loved it.  

I also attribute feeling good to taking care of myself physically.  I’ve been trying to make every calorie I eat count.  I do throw in an occasional cupcake on account of my boob fund.  It isn’t a good idea to mix alcohol and chemo either.  So I’ve stopped drinking.  All of these things have contributed to me losing a little bit of weight.

The sun being out doesn’t hurt my mood either.

Overall I’m doing good.  At least for now.  Ask me again after round #2.

 

One guarantee from this chemo thing is that I’m going to lose my hair.  The question is when.  To make it a little more fun than just dying my hair rainbow colors I’ve decided to start a pool.  Here’s how this will work:

My first chemo date was May 26.

You pick a date (or two).  You can pick when my hair starts to fall out and/or when I’m forced to shave it.

Throw down some money using our handy paypal donation button and leave your dates in the comments ON THIS BLOG POST NOT IN FACEBOOK!!

1/2 the total money collected will be donated to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA) and the remaining 1/2 will be split between the winners.

Post your dates and donate by Friday, June 2.  As the dates happen I’ll announce them here.

Current Pool Amount – $50.00

Have some fun, maybe win some money, do some good!

May 29 –

May 30 –

May 31 –

June 1 –

June 2 –

June 3-

June 4 –

June 5 –

June 6-

June 7 –

June 8 – Rachel L. (Starts falling out)

June 9 –

June 10 – Rachel L. (Forced to shave it)

June 11 –

June 12 –

June 13 –

June 14 – Gretchen L. (Starts to fall out)

June 15 – Lee M. (Starts to fall out)

June 16 – Renee M. (Starts to fall out)

June 17 –

June 18 – Lee M. (Forced to shave it)

June 19 –

June 20 – Gretchen L. (Forced to shave it); Jan B. (Starts to fall out)

June 21 –

June 22 –

June 23 –

June 24 –

June 25 – Renee M. (Forced to shave it)

June 26 –

June 27 –

June 28 –

June 29 –

June 30 –

July 1 –

July 4 – Jan B. (Forced to shave it)

I really am tired of writing posts that seem sad, but I’m trying to share some of the hidden realities of this whole journey.  However, this week has been a bit rough.

Monday was fantastic!  It was the first day in weeks that I felt like myself.  I spent the majority of the day in the garden weeding.  There you go.  A positive.

On Tuesday the week made that down hill turn.  I had an appointment to have my port placed for chemo.  Since there were no openings at SCCA I had to have it done at UW Medical.  It was a much more involved process that took much longer than it should have.  I waited in the radiology waiting room for over an hour.  The “surgery” was fairly quick with no complications.  I slept in recovery for about 2 hours then went home.  

Wednesday it was Jenny’s turn to take me for a boob fill.  The PA asked if I wanted to wait since I’d just had the port put in.  I want to get this whole fill process over with as fast as possible so I said to go ahead and do it.  I started to feel tension at 50ccs, but again in the essence of time had her go up to 60ccs.  In hindsight this was a very bad idea.  A VERY bad idea.  By the time Jenny and I got back to the car and on the road our plans of grabbing a coffee or something else just flew out the window.  I needed to get home as soon as possible.

Jenny got me home and helped me get into bed right as I burst into tears.  The pain was reminiscent of immediate post surgery pain.  I mistakenly took Tylenol which ruled out the use of narcotics for the next 6 hours.  It was so bad Derek contemplated running down the street to our local pot shop for herbal relief.  A 2 hour nap helped somewhat, but not quite enough.  I did sit on the couch for dinner, but went right back to bed.  There was very little sleeping that night.

Thursday was somewhat better as far as pain goes.  Being up and moving around helps for the most part.  My friend, Rachel, took me out to get my nails done again and we were planning on doing a little shopping.  It ended up that Derek needed us to come home for some help.  I was managing the pain relatively well until it was time to go to bed.  Last night’s “sleep” involved Tylenol PM at 3:00 am.  This morning’s pain level is equally as shitty.  I’m hoping that being up and moving will loosen things up.  As of now this is my view.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the latter half of today.  I am to report to SCCA at 3:00 for additional chemo training.  Then at 5:00 I have a blood draw and at 6:00 I start treatment.  I’m not expected to leave SCCA until 9:30 tonight.

I’m nervous and scared.  I’m mostly afraid of side effects.  I hate being nauseous.  I know my doctors will do everything to prevent that, but I still fear that unknown.  I don’t need extra people there, but I appreciate all of the positive thoughts you can send.

This afternoon I’m going to enjoy the sun.  If my arms loosen up I may try a little light gardening.  I’ll look forward to plans with friends over the weekend.  Most of all I’ll wish this were my view instead.

Sometimes you sit and stare at a screen and wonder where to start.

That is me.  I am there.

Here goes.

Yesterday was my appointment with the oncologist.  It felt like the appointment was so far away while waiting for it.  On Sunday I told myself only a few more days.  I can do a few more days.  Last Thursday I couldn’t stand it anymore and called the nurse navigator to tell me the Oncotype dx score.

Wait… let’s back up.

After surgery there was no clear cut answer as to if I should undergo chemo.  My oncologist sent my tumor out for genomic testing to a specialized lab.  This test sends back what is called the Oncotype score.  It is a a special score that helps determine rate of recurrence in cancer.  According to the company, a score under 18 does not warrant chemo.  A score over 32 does.  

Resume story…

I called the nurse navigator and she really didn’t want to tell me the score because I needed to hear the whole story from the doctor.  I convinced her.  My score was a 27.  Your question is probably what happens if your score is between 18 and 32.  That’s called the gray area.  We were prepared to go into yesterday’s appointment with the doctor leaving it up to us.  I was scared.  I told Derek that I would rather have someone tell me what to do than leaving it up to us.  I was afraid of making the wrong choice.

Lucky for me my oncologist happens to be one of the leaders in breast oncology in the US.  She is part of the team that helps to determine standard of care for breast cancer.  In short, she is amazing.

During our visit she explained the numbers and said that the company’s cut points and the medical community cut points are different.  She explained why they are different.  She was part of the team that set the cut points for the standard of care.  The medical cut points are 11 and 25.  That put me in the category for chemo.

With an Oncotype score of 27 I have an 18% of recurrence if I do not have chemo.  She said she didn’t like that number.  I don’t like that number.  Derek didn’t like that number.  It made the choice easy.

The doctor took her time to explain side effects.  She explained the protocol.  She explained the reasoning.  She spent time with us and we never felt rushed or pressured into anything.

This was the first time a doctor has said, “let’s get things going.”  It felt like there was a sense of urgency for the first time.  If you’ll recall, I received my diagnosis back on February 15.  I didn’t have surgery until April 12.  I didn’t meet with the oncologist until May 17.  Now she’s saying, LET’S GO!!!  Finally.  Time to start kicking some serious cancer ass.

I will start chemo on May 26.  A week from Friday.  They’re trying to find me an appointment to get my port placed.  The plan is for Tuesday.  Then I’ll have my first infusion Friday.  I will have the AC + T regimen.  That is Adriamycin and Cytoxan together.  I’ll do 4 rounds of that.  Every 2 weeks.  Then I’ll do 4 rounds of Taxol every 2 weeks.  The whole thing will take 16 weeks… my whole summer.  I will get 3-6 weeks off and then start radiation.  That will be daily (M-F) for 6-7 weeks.  After that I have to wait 6 months for reconstruction.  I’m planning on that to happen after school gets out next year.

How am I doing with all of this?  I am scared to be frankly honest.  I can handle it during the summer.  However, I’ll have 3 rounds of chemo while still in school and my last round will be the 2nd day of school next school year.  I’m more concerned about taking more time off of work.  I know the purpose and I have the support of my district.  It doesn’t make it suck any less.

I will get through this.  It is only a bump in the road.  Hair… it goes.