The Mental State

A conversation

BFF: “How are you doing… and don’t give me any of that ‘I’m fine crap.'”

Me: “Really no, I’m fine.”

BFF: “Really?!”

Me: “Other than having the cancer I’m doing quite alright.”
That conversation happened prior to the 7th.  Between the 15th and the 7th I lived in this state of limbo.  I knew I had cancer, but I didn’t know any specifics.  I only knew what I searched for on the internet.  We’re told don’t consult Dr. Google.  What is every person going to do when they hear they have cancer?  

Look it up on the internet.

After the biopsy I had a quick mammogram to verify the location of the clips they put in to mark the tumors.  The mammogram tech was a survivor.  She told me a bit of her story and gave me some good advice.  She told me to only read as much as my brain could handle and then put the computer away.  I’ve been very good at following this rule.  If I have a question I’ll look it up, answer my question and then go back to my book or something else.  I try not to get stuck in a click spiral.  I believe this has saved my sanity.  I also will only read information from sites that I know have credible information.

It wasn’t until I read a few peoples accounts of their surgeries that I started to slip down the depression rabbit hole.  Talk of sleeping upright, drains, phantom pain and not being able to shower for weeks had me sad.  I’ve had 2 abdominal surgeries and one nearly killed me.  The thought of going throug multiple surgeries is leaving me in a rough place.

I had to take the day after my consult at SCCA off.  I did not have the mental capacity to teach.  I figured more learning might actually happen with a sub than if I tried to go to work.  I went back on the 9th and it was good.  I love my kids.  They missed me.  I had taken 4 days off (for things beyond my appointment) and they hate it when I’m gone.  By Friday I was doing much better.

My current mental state?  

I’m sad, angry, frustrated and hurt.  I feel somewhat lonely because I’ve moved away from many of my very close friends.  I know I’m only 40 minutes(ish) away it feels so far.  I find it difficult to concentrate on a daily basis.  Multi-tasking is impossible.  I think about the many things I will not be able to do.  I’m going to miss the plant sale at school.  I have tickets to the U2 concert on Mother’s Day.  I may not be able to go to that.  I won’t be able to garden in my new house this year.  That one bothers me the most.

This will all pass.  I will heal.  I will be fine.