I do it to myself

Ever have one of those days. Where in the end you fall asleep before your head ever hits the pillow? What the hell am I thinking… most of us are mommies. That is a pretty common event.

Yesterday was one of those days for me.

I’m in the middle of a time sensitive quilting project. The problem is that 2 weeks out of the month I have a real job. The kind where people pay me to have something done, on time, and correct and all. What do they think I am? Smart or something. On time. Yeah, whut ith that ek-thac-ly.

So not only do I have to have this quilt project done, I have work to do. Those two things, coupled with caring for a small child should be enough right? Not in Elle’s little world. If I’m not overworked I’m not living. Feel the rush!

I decided that instead of working during the boy’s nap that I would make him a cute little cooking apron. Shuddup you… boy’s can wear aprons. The so can too.

Smart? Probably not. Why did I want to make him an apron? Because I took some frozen bananas out of the freezer and wanted to make banana bread. I thought it entirely too clever that I make the boy an apron. Of course in order to make the banana bread I had to go grocery shopping to buy vanilla that we were out of. On the way out the door to the supermarket I noticed that my hanging basket was droopy. *note to self… water basket when we get home.

We get home from the grocery and I have no counter space. Why? Because I didn’t do breakfast or lunch dishes. Why? Because the dishwasher needed to be emptied. Empty dishwasher (say foul words at my cabinets because my kitchen is. too. fucking. small), reload dishwasher (call trusty husband to find out why the hell we got a whole lot less from the refinance on the house and where the hell is my money because I. hate. this. fucking. kitchen). Proceed with banana bread. Please note I said take bananaS out of the freezer. The recipe I use only calls for 1 banana. This means I planned to make 2. Crazylike. Pull out Kitchen Aid, food processor and every measuring device known to man. Prepare banana bread and put in oven.

Mental note kicks in. Water hanging basket. Let boy play in back yard while I check on bread. See that dishes from bread making need to be done. Haul screaming child in house. Shit. Now it’s 4:30. Time to start on dinner.

By this point in the day my feet hurt. Hardwoods + no shoes + standing for… all day = owee feet. Shuddup. If I put shoes on the child follows me around the house saying, “mama shoes off.”

Dinner can wait. I lay down in my hammock and not more than 30 seconds later the phone rings. Wrong number.

Trusty husband finally comes home to tell me, “Congratulations! You bought life insurance today.” WTF? I had life insurance. What happened. Evidently something got screwed up and the auto withdrawal on the policy didn’t get auto withdrawn so the policy lapsed. Last June. I flew all the way to Russia and back without life insurance. Good thing I didn’t die. So now since he sold me a new policy I have to have the medical exam where the have to come and stick me to get blood. Blood does not come out of me people.

As punishment… I make him make dinner.

Then if that were not enough. I redesigned our kitchen with the handy Ikea kitchen designer. Because I. hate. my. fucking. kitchen. And it turned out to be about $5000 less than I thought it would be.

I slept like a baby.