Fears

This post isn’t so much meant to be a woe is me post. It is more of a getting it out there kind of thing.

You would think that a person would have fears related to an upcoming surgery. It’s only natural right? Yep. I’m like everyone else and have fears of this upcoming surgery. I’ve had over a month to prepare for it, but that doesn’t ease the fears.

I’m not so much worried about the physical aspects of the surgery. I’ve had a surgery similar to this 6 years ago. I know what the after effects are like. With any luck the long term after effects of this particular surgery will be a huge improvement to how I’m currently feeling.

Here are my fears.

I’m worried about being a burden and in the back of my mind this surgery is totally selfish. I won’t be able to do much for 6 weeks after the surgery. I can’t work (thus can’t make any money), I can’t lift anything, I can’t work in the garden. I am the one that takes care of my family. I don’t want them to be burdened by having to take care of me.

I am worried about over doing it. See above. You know me. I can’t sit still for more than 5 minutes. If I’m forced to do nothing for 6 weeks I’ll likely go mad.

I still worry about letting go of the thread. I’ve held on so tightly to the end of that thread the thought of letting go scares the ever loving shit out of me. It was last bastion of hope. I’ve sat around waiting for a miracle for so long the thought of that prayer never ever being answered is simply heart breaking. This week I had a friend give birth and she complained about the end of her pregnancy for weeks prior to the delivery. Every time she did I just wanted to say, “well at least you are carrying a child.” Then she complained about being the mother to two. If only. If only I had 2 to share the love with. I want another child so badly. My fall back hope is about to be nothing.

So yes, there are fears. I’ll get through them. It’s going to hurt like hell, but on the other side is a life worth living.

5 Comment

  1. mom says: Reply

    An end to that ever nagging dream we face when infertile. Stopping wishful, daily dreams and disappointments. Life is unfair. This is a turning point in your life and it can be huge and beautiful. Reality will make you pursue other options and goals with a vengeance, carrying a different kind of fire… one without burdens. Healing will give you that time to reflect and nurture yourself. This is not the end of Elle, but the beginning.
    I love you.

  2. Heather says: Reply

    To my dear friend: I love you and you will never-ever-ever burden your family! Use this time for healing, beginning, and much needed time for yourself (for once). If you need a friend I am always here and can be there too if you need me! You could always come visit once you are cleared to fly ;0)! This is the beginning! We love you! The Nelson’s

  3. Wendy says: Reply

    Aww, Honey, I wish I could just give you a bottle of wine and a big hug and make it all better. This is just something to get through, emerge on the other side and create a new normal. It sucks. In a major sucky way. But, on another note, you totally rocked the faux-fur outfit. You made that bad boy look good!!!!!

  4. Wendy says: Reply

    Thank you so much for the food info. I do need help! I spent Sunday figuring out what was safe to pack for him for lunch then got a note from the teacher that I forgot to put it in his backpack yesterday! I didn’t even think about soy sauce, either. Luckily the food allergies are not life threatening, but once he starts treatment they could get worse before they are better. I have to get this food thing down or I will kill him!! He is not allergic to dairy or eggs luckily. I am not sure about other things like shellfish since he has never eaten them so would not have a reaction at this time. We are going with the allergy drops under the tongue. If we had to take him for shots every week it would be an all out war. It took 3 of us to hold him down for his last vaccinations. Do you still have my e-mail addy?

  5. Tricia says: Reply

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow!

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