This post isn’t so much meant to be a woe is me post. It is more of a getting it out there kind of thing.
You would think that a person would have fears related to an upcoming surgery. It’s only natural right? Yep. I’m like everyone else and have fears of this upcoming surgery. I’ve had over a month to prepare for it, but that doesn’t ease the fears.
I’m not so much worried about the physical aspects of the surgery. I’ve had a surgery similar to this 6 years ago. I know what the after effects are like. With any luck the long term after effects of this particular surgery will be a huge improvement to how I’m currently feeling.
Here are my fears.
I’m worried about being a burden and in the back of my mind this surgery is totally selfish. I won’t be able to do much for 6 weeks after the surgery. I can’t work (thus can’t make any money), I can’t lift anything, I can’t work in the garden. I am the one that takes care of my family. I don’t want them to be burdened by having to take care of me.
I am worried about over doing it. See above. You know me. I can’t sit still for more than 5 minutes. If I’m forced to do nothing for 6 weeks I’ll likely go mad.
I still worry about letting go of the thread. I’ve held on so tightly to the end of that thread the thought of letting go scares the ever loving shit out of me. It was last bastion of hope. I’ve sat around waiting for a miracle for so long the thought of that prayer never ever being answered is simply heart breaking. This week I had a friend give birth and she complained about the end of her pregnancy for weeks prior to the delivery. Every time she did I just wanted to say, “well at least you are carrying a child.” Then she complained about being the mother to two. If only. If only I had 2 to share the love with. I want another child so badly. My fall back hope is about to be nothing.
So yes, there are fears. I’ll get through them. It’s going to hurt like hell, but on the other side is a life worth living.