Here we go
February 8, 2012 in Elle's World
Ok sports fans, it’s time. My surgery time got moved up to 1:20 this afternoon. It was formerly at 2:15. It cuts into my cleaning time, but means I’ll starve a little less. Wish me luck.
Fears
February 4, 2012 in Elle's World
This post isn’t so much meant to be a woe is me post. It is more of a getting it out there kind of thing.
You would think that a person would have fears related to an upcoming surgery. It’s only natural right? Yep. I’m like everyone else and have fears of this upcoming surgery. I’ve had over a month to prepare for it, but that doesn’t ease the fears.
I’m not so much worried about the physical aspects of the surgery. I’ve had a surgery similar to this 6 years ago. I know what the after effects are like. With any luck the long term after effects of this particular surgery will be a huge improvement to how I’m currently feeling.
Here are my fears.
I’m worried about being a burden and in the back of my mind this surgery is totally selfish. I won’t be able to do much for 6 weeks after the surgery. I can’t work (thus can’t make any money), I can’t lift anything, I can’t work in the garden. I am the one that takes care of my family. I don’t want them to be burdened by having to take care of me.
I am worried about over doing it. See above. You know me. I can’t sit still for more than 5 minutes. If I’m forced to do nothing for 6 weeks I’ll likely go mad.
I still worry about letting go of the thread. I’ve held on so tightly to the end of that thread the thought of letting go scares the ever loving shit out of me. It was last bastion of hope. I’ve sat around waiting for a miracle for so long the thought of that prayer never ever being answered is simply heart breaking. This week I had a friend give birth and she complained about the end of her pregnancy for weeks prior to the delivery. Every time she did I just wanted to say, “well at least you are carrying a child.” Then she complained about being the mother to two. If only. If only I had 2 to share the love with. I want another child so badly. My fall back hope is about to be nothing.
So yes, there are fears. I’ll get through them. It’s going to hurt like hell, but on the other side is a life worth living.
Sometimes he is a boy
February 2, 2012 in Elle's World, Mommyhood
Saturday I was at work and got a frantic phone call from Derek. “Hello,” I answered. “I’M FREAKING OUT!” was his reply.
Now the child was at his aunts so it had to be something involving an animal. Oh so many animals to choose from. This time around it was a chicken. Let’s just say a larger bird thought that one of our chickens would make a nice snack. I am not going to divulge the type of larger bird nor will I show you the photo I took of it because if I did then I’d have to kill you and then I would have fewer readers.
Anyway, this story isn’t really about the big bird attacking the little bird, but it does end with a shovel, a black plastic garbage bag and my husband claiming to now be qualified to work for Tony Soprano.
The story is really about how we weren’t exactly going to tell the small child what happened only my husband put it on Facebook and then my sister-in-law told the child. Really? This is like that time the dog jumped out of the moving car onto a busy street. You don’t tell the child. There are things you just don’t tell this particular child. His mind is a very scary place.
So yesterday, we’re walking home from the bus and I go to check for eggs. As I’m opening the gate the boy asks, “mom, can I see the bird.” Meaning the bird that involves the black plastic garbage bag.
Oh hell no!
I am not showing that to my 7 year old. My over imaginative 7 year old. The one that told the neighbor to not forget his flashlight for his upcoming Caribbean cruise because he saw a news report that a bunch of people aboard the Costa Concordia were saved because they had flashlights. The same child that believes nothing but doom will come from flying Delta airlines because one time we went to California and had a helluva time getting home.
I can just see it now. Limp stuffed animals littered across his bedroom floor.
Fashion Icon
February 1, 2012 in Elle's World, isn't elle bright?
I’ve mentioned before I’m in a bit of a funk. Really it’s a funk that’s lasted and lasted. So I put on TwitFace that I was in need of some retail therapy, but a significant lack of funding was preventing that. See previous post. My wonderful awesome friend Kerstin decided that, even though we didn’t have any money, we needed to go shopping anyway.
Last night she picked me up and we headed to the mall. Now normally the mall is the single most horrible place in the entire world… ok, that’s not true. The hospital sucks more. Anyway, the mall it was. We were highly unimpressed with the shoe selection at Nordstrom so it was good thing we didn’t have any money.
Then we went to Macy’s. Oh Macy’s how I love you. Your ability to put the worlds most unfortunate fashions on clearance is nothing short of Godlike. If the clearance shoe rack wasn’t entertainment enough, Macy’s had an entire section dedicated to clearance bad clothing.
The horrible terrible no good funk melted away when we found a rack of faux fur. Oh this wasn’t just any faux fur. This was coats made from the hides of Muppets. There was an Elmo coat, one made from the backs of Mahna Mahna’s back-up singers and a Cookie Monster frock. We felt compelled to try on the coats even though they were out of our price range. As we were trying on the coats the heavens opened and sang hymns of joy. On the end of the rack was a Cookie Monster vest. I want this vest so badly, but I had to settle for trying it on.
Now normally that would be enough to brighten things up. The funk was so bad a Cookie Monster vest alone would not do it, especially with a whole clearance rack of bad clothes sitting right. there. We found a whole outfit. Of course I had to try it on.
You can’t really tell exactly how bad that outfit was in the photo. Let me tell you… Not only am I wearing a Cookie Monster vest, but I have on an orange sweater with a DETACHED collar. Detached! As in a boat neck sweater with a cuff around the neck. The pants… oh the pants. Stretchy lace trousers. Kerstin also absconded with a pair of Jessica Simpson black platforms from the shoe department to put the whole look together.
I wurked the hell out of that outfit.
You would think that a mini photoshoot in the dressing room of Macy’s would be enough. Oh no. We felt compelled to help. We found there weren’t enough unfortunate clothing choices at the mall or there weren’t enough people taking full advantage of all the mall had to offer. We decided to to do a little merchandising for the store clerks.
We started small. We paired a overly loud shirt with a patterned chair in a display. Feeling that we’d done enough damage at Macy’s we moved on to other stores. The next stop was H&M.
At H&M we paired a pink, gold and orange sequined top with a gold handbag, a chunky necklace and gold bangle bracelets. We found an electric blue micro mini skirt to go with it, but couldn’t figure out how to put it in the display. We were very sad that we didn’t get the chance to model that particular outfit. I was wearing far to many clothes to get completely undressed again. We also forgot to take a photo of that one, but we felt our job was done.
We moved on to Forever 21, but the technicolor in that store makes my head hurt and let’s be frank… it was just way too easy.
We are fairly certain that the stores will be calling us any day to hire us as merchandisers. Either that or they have our photos on the wall in the security office.
What’s that smell
January 30, 2012 in Bitch & Moan, Elle's World
Every time I scratch my nose I smell it. I just got home from my pre-op appointment and like always I can’t go anywhere without having to go to the bathroom. Of course that means I have to wash my hands. Is it me or do all hospitals use the same exact soap? Seriously. I have a slightly gaggy reaction to the smell of hospital soap.
I hate hospitals. I have every right to hate hospitals. I have spent so much time in them over the years that I’ve grown to loathe the sight of them. Now I’m going to have to check into one come next Wednesday.
I’m still going between fine and really not fine. I’ve found that I can usually get myself out of a funk with funny YouTube videos or chocolate. Today I was going to spend the afternoon finishing my chores and them secretly playing a little Dance Central on the xbox. Trouble is that darn pain reared it’s ugly head today. When the pain starts the whole rest of the body quits.
I could use a little bit of retail therapy. I found this amazing light fixture online last week and THEN found a tutorial on how I could make it for under $100. Then the stupid admitting lady at the hospital wanted us to pay a good portion of our deductible up front. Um yeah… not going to happen.
I was going to look into getting a few new books to read while I can’t do anything, but I won’t be working for 6 weeks so I won’t be making any money.
I was going to run over to the art store to grab my favorite jar candle, but… you get the picture.
Dance Central is looking better and better.
The best show you’re not watching
January 26, 2012 in Elle's World
I have spent 99% of my life living in the Pacific Northwest. I’m pretty sure at some point I wrote a post about “you know you’re from Washington when…” at some point, but I can’t find it. The only times I didn’t live in the Northwest was when we lived in Las Vegas and then Kansas. We lived in those places because I turned down a job in Portland.
You see… I have a love hate relationship with Portland. Frankly Portland is weird. Seriously. It could totally give Austin a run for it’s money. Portland has great restaurants but hell if you could find them with all of the bridges and one way streets. They have great shopping, but you have to wade through the panhandlers, human statues and protesting hippies to get to them.
Last year I kept hearing people say, “put a bird on it.” Then I watched a YouTube video about it.
I couldn’t stop laughing. If you’ve ever been to Portland you’ll notice there are birds on everything.
I told Derek about this new show out on IFC called Portlandia. Over the Summer we were bored so we bought the season from iTunes. I believe we both wet ourselves from laughing.
It’s funny because it’s true.
I can’t believe how true this show is. The first season starts with an intro to how the characters get to Portland and why. It only gets better from there.
You have to watch that show. Then you’ll totally get that pickle reference from my last post.
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*really it comes down to that you can’t pump your own gas in Oregon and I really like that freedom.
So my day’s been iffy, how ’bout yours
January 26, 2012 in Elle's World
This morning I woke up to horrible depressing rain.I didn’t mind the snow, the slush I could do without, but this rain… I think it might kill me.
Yesterday a family member got bad news. It isn’t my story to tell, but lets just say it sucked.
I had to pick up a few things at the grocery this morning to finish up the freezer meals I’ve been working on. While I was out I met the husband at the bank because we needed a piece of paperwork notarized. While there I deposited my paycheck. The balance, according the receipt, was significantly less than I thought it should be.
Then there was that damn rain.
I came home to finish the aforementioned freezer meals. I’ve been working on this project since Sunday. I’ve made 4 trips to various food purchasing establishments* and spent a total of 15 hours standing in my kitchen to make 39 dinners.
I tried to turn on iTunes through my Apple TV, but it isn’t working. Neither is the D drive attached to my computer and my PC is seriously acting up. That’s awesome because all of my Free Range Media stuff is on that hard drive.
I finished the freezer meals. We may not have any money but we have an ass ton of food in this house. Next week I’m working on freezer breakfasts. Hey, my child has been known to eat Top Ramen and chips while I’m non-functioning. I figure I can get the husband to feed him waffles and a decent dinner. Lunch may be questionable.
The rain stopped so I decided to clean the chicken coop. You decide if that’s a good or bad thing.
I’m going to spend the evening watching stupid television programming and lamenting the fact that I didn’t pick up another bottle of wine while I was at the grocery and still oblivious to how much money was in my checking account.
But I made 39 dinners. Boo Yah suckas! Look at that shit. Am I ready for end times or what. Hey, I could totally be on that new show Doomsday Preppers. You should totally see my cabinet of pickled stuff.
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*that would probably explain the bank account dilemma
My turn
January 24, 2012 in Bitch & Moan, Elle's World
I’ve had longer than I would like to process through this impending surgery. I was hoping that it could have been scheduled for this week, but the earliest they could get me in was February 8th. That meant I have (had) a good month to dwell on it. I’m trying my hardest to now dwell on the situation. Instead I’m trying to keep myself busy and prepare my family. However, I have my moments of dread and fear.
A week ago I finally lost it and realized that I’ll never be able to give my husband a biological child. I realize I’ve said over and over that I don’t care about having a biological child. I don’t. What about my husband? He’s said he doesn’t care, but does he say that just to make me feel better?
This is all a process of working through loss.
I am pretty sure that readers will grow tired of listening to me blather on about this surgery. I am pretty certain that I don’t care. I’ve been a blogger for nearly 7 years now. I’ve read countless blogs of people who have gotten pregnant and I’ve had to read about it. Yes, there are many that I stop reading when the writer does become pregnant. There are some that I keep reading. I’ve also had to watch my friends bitch and moan on Facebook that they are soooo tired of being pregnant. Shut the hell up. You could be me.
I’m going to write about this. I’m going to complain. It’s my turn now.
Ice Ice Baby
January 19, 2012 in Elle's World
So I was wrong. I didn’t want to believe all the hype that it would snow. Me and the weather man…we’re mortal enemies. He always promises snow and totally under delivers.
Yesterday morning the phone rang at 5:00. It was the school calling to tell us (again) that school had been cancelled. I rolled over (again) and asked Derek, “Did it actually snow.” He looked out the window and said, “Um, you could say that.” I rolled back over and slept until 8:00. When we finally got up and looked out the window there was about 6″ of snow on the ground. I’m fairly certain that constitutes a “major snow event” in the Pacific Northwest.
I believe that was the fastest I’ve ever seen my child eat a meal. As soon as breakfast was over he was in his snow pants and out the door. He begrudgingly came home for lunch, but other than that he spent the entire time either outside or at neighbor girl’s house.
We were good parents and joined him a few times. Right in front of our house is a great sledding hill. We live at the bottom of 2 good sized hills. Great for sledding, but horrible for trying to leave the neighborhood. The bigger hill is a little more fun to sled down, but it’s more of a hike to get up it and people park their cars on the side of the road. The one right in front of our house is perfect. Not a horrible hike, no cars and when you get to the end you’re right at our driveway. I took one for the team and hurled myself head first down the hill a few times. This morning I feel like I was hit by a Mac truck. Apparently old people should not sled. Duly noted.
We got the call last night that school would be cancelled yet again today. Wonderful. Derek was supposed to fly to Spokane at 11:00 this morning for a meeting. He got word from the airline that his flight is cancelled and he’s rescheduled on the 4:00 instead… for now. Why? Ice. Oh the ice.
In 1996/97 we had an ice storm. Ask anyone about the “ice storm” and they’ll have a story. We happened to be visiting family in Kansas that year and missed the brunt of it. When we got home our car couldn’t make it into our apartment complex so we had to park on the street. Then we had to wade through calf deep ice water carrying our suitcases to get to our apartment. Fun times.
This year the ice isn’t quite that bad… yet. When we woke up this morning there was an odd sheen to the snow. Ice. The sound of the dog running around in the back yard was ka-chunk ka-chunk. Walk outside and it’s a totally different story.
We live in an area where we are surrounded by 250′ tall Douglas-fir trees. We admire them, but fear them at the same time. Any time it is windy a branch might come down on your roof. Now take that same 250′ tree and cover it in 1/4″-1/2″ of ice. No Bueno.
Since we woke up this morning it has been raining. It is freezing rain my friends. At the current moment it is raining heavily and it is only getting worse. In fact, as I was writing this a huge limb broke in one of the plum trees in my front yard. I’m going to lose at least 1/2 of the tree. It’s down right scary.
Luckily our power was only out for about an hour. That isn’t to say it won’t go out again, but at this moment it’s on.
Ok, here have some photos.
What we woke up to Wednesday morning
What the Doug-fir trees look like with just snow (taken Wednesday afternoon)
Doug-fir trees covered in ice
Ice covered plum tree first thing this morning
Yesterday you could see my neighbor's house
broken limb from the plum tree
This is a branch below the broken one
Snow and the league of idiots
January 17, 2012 in Bitch & Moan, Elle's World, Mommyhood
The Pacific Northwest is not known for major snow events. In fact we’re quite well known for fuh-reaking out in the face of a few fluffy white flakes. It could be that there happens to be a large city in the Northern part of the state that didn’t even own a snow plow until that unfortunate incident in 1996 where we got a couple feet of snow… and then ice.
All we’ve heard about around here for the past week is mention of snow. At first it was supposed to be a little bit Sunday night. Then they said possibly Saturday night. Then they changed their story to heavy snow Wednesday morning changing to heavy rain by the afternoon. Then it was… Oh you get the picture.
As of last night the forecast was for 1-2 inches of snow today and a “major snow event” tomorrow. We’re currently under a Winter Storm Warning. The story goes starting around midnight tonight we’re supposed to get anywhere from 6-14″ on Wednesday and then it will rain Thursday.
It snowed off and on for a while on Monday, but nothing major. Over night last night there was MAYBE 1/2″. The phone rang at 5:42 this morning robo-calling us to tell us school was cancelled. I rolled over and asked Derek if there was any new snow. ”Not really,” he said. Then both of us were awake despite turning off all 3 alarms in the house. If there wasn’t any real new snow why did they cancel school?
I got out of bed and looked outside. An indication of the road conditions is easily assessable by our neighborhood roads. If they are iced over and snowy odds are there may be icy patches out of the neighborhood. If they are clear (or slushy) the main roads are just fine. Our roads… a nice layer of yucky slush. Again? Why are schools closed? Tacoma isn’t closed (of course I think the Tacoma school district would stay open even if the buildings were on fire since their kids are already going to school up until the 4th of July).
We had to venture out this morning to find snow boots for the child. We don’t buy them until it looks like snow might actually show up. Rain boots, yes. However, rain boots don’t quite cut it in the snow. After all, the weather dude didn’t talk about today’s weather, he only mentioned snowmageddon that’s supposed to happen tomorrow.
Looking out my window at the moment, the sun is shining, the snow is melting and it’s been raining off and on all day. I fail to see how this could turn into snowpocalypse. What makes it worse is the cancellation of school.
I remember as a kid, getting up and being so excited for a snow day. We’d eat breakfast, get bundled up and go sledding in the slush. It was unfulfilling and depressing. By 11:00 in the morning the snow would be gone and we’d have nothing left to do. Today is just like that. We puttered around a mega shopping store because we didn’t have anything better to do. That only took an hour. Oleg put together a puzzle while I did some cleaning. Then we looked at each other and said, “well, I guess we could have lunch.” Then this afternoon he played with his toy computer and played the fishing game by himself while I watched Project Runway. After he won the fishing game he started in on science experiments. Then we dusted. Do you see a pattern here? Luckily, the neighbor girl showed up to save us. Oleg has someone to play with and I can watch stupid television programming in peace.
Here’s the worst part about all of this. I’m fairly certain school will be cancelled for tomorrow too. I’m still not sure why it was cancelled today.